"It’s Only Words" -- Sometimes they make a profound difference.

I was grateful for a positive comment left here yesterday. Thoughtful words, the knowledge that they came from someone who has spent considerable time reading about the subjects I address in my blog, and the fact that he was responding to a post I wrote almost a year ago, deeply impacted my feelings and intentions about continuing to write here. For those reasons, I would like to copy a large part of the comment and my reply to the person who took the time and care to write it.

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Difficulties (Entry Link)

Oct.8, 2008 blog entry titled, "Difficulties"

Greetings,

I write to thank you for your blogging efforts. I found your post on Oct.8th, 2008 titled, "Difficulties", contains insight I feel complements the following excerpt very well. Insights concerning social dynamics surrounding reactions towards persons seeking witness to, or explaining the basis of, their trauma. I have read a lot on trauma and related subject material. I highly value your input.

Sincerely,

Aaron Gilmore

(Mr. Gilmore followed his personal comments with an excerpt from the introduction to a book, entitled Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, M.D.)

Here is my reply:

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Dear Mr. Gilmore,

Thank you very much for your comment, and for the excerpt you included from Judith Herman‘s book. I considered it so helpful and encouraging, that I decided to reply with a new blog post today. After months of frustration and discouragement about so few comments,  I stopped writing. It seemed like I'd been 'preaching to the choir' I suspected that even the choir was falling asleep while I carried on from my platform.  I felt my efforts were doing very little good for people.

Maybe I paid too little attention to the other several positive comments people wrote during the past two years or so.

It is traumatic for me--continuing to write about my pain, about the whole sea of pain and the millions of people trying to survive in it. Writing about it is as traumatic as it is necessary and conducive to healing. That dichotomy is uncomfortable… unwieldy. Besides, when I re-read my posts, I often cringe at my authorial tone and style. I dislike the feeling of writing in a vacuum, of hearing its ugly, metallic echo so often. I have a healthy belief in my writing ability; I don’t need validation of my skill. What I want is a sense that it makes a difference whether I write this blog or quit writing. I guess I lack awareness of my readers. Since I can’t see or hear signs of people sitting at computers reading my words, reacting, thinking about them, benefiting from them, I shrug my shoulders and avoid writing in general. Reading your comment, Mr Gilmore, made me reconsider.  It seems important to ‘keep on keeping on‘.

Thanks. Your comments made the difference and prompted me to decide. I will continue this blog.

Gratefully,
Edge of Raisin

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A poem that speaks truth to me…

In A Dark Time

In a dark time, the eye begins to see,
I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;
I hear my echo in the echoing wood--
A lord of nature weeping to a tree.
I live between the heron and the wren,
Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.
What's madness but nobility of soul
At odds with circumstance? The day's on fire!
I know the purity of pure despair,
My shadow pinned against a sweating wall.
That place among the rocks--is it a cave,
Or a winding path? The edge is what I have.

A steady storm of correspondences!
A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon,
And in broad day the midnight come again!
A man goes far to find out what he is--
Death of the self in a long, tearless night,
All natural shapes blazing unnatural light.

Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I?
A fallen man, I climb out of my fear.
The mind enters itself, and God the mind,
And one is One, free in the tearing wind.

Theodore Roethke

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I still have physiological symptoms that arise, not from negative or conscious thoughts, but from links and triggers. For example, immediately when I saw notification of Mr. Gilmore’s comment in my email, I began to feel apprehensive that perhaps someone had left a message challenging or minimising my accounts or the legitimacy of my statements.

This anxiety arose, despite the fact that I have had nothing but positive comments to my blog articles. It arose despite the fact that I have received overwhelmingly positive and affirming messages in my life from many people I have encountered in my 57 years. It arose despite the fact that I have been a highly functional, successful, well-rounded, socially competent individual for most of my life. It arose despite my and testable lack of any paranoid tendencies, despite the fact that I was not feeling depressed or vulnerable when I read my email, despite the fact that I am currently happy about relationships and interactions with significant people over the past few months. It arose despite the fact that those who know me well would describe me as a balanced, even-tempered person, socially and emotionally mature, self-aware and clear-thinking. It arose despite several years of counselling therapy and despite my careful reading and application of at least a dozen books and methods of dealing with traumatic response which have been recommended to me by professionals.

A painfully familiar, loud buzzing began as I read the blog comments page. I guess this must have happened just because I was thinking about this disturbing subject of domestic abuse and trauma. My tinnitus reaction arose because of persistent programming of my fight or flight responses. reactions through continual disturbing interactions and daily trauma at the hands of my abusive husband during a period from 2002-2006; and because of the callous and ignorant manner in which I was received and treated by dozens of people when I attempted to extricate myself from that situation and recover my life and my peace of mind.

Here we are, some 3-4 years later, and I still, frustratingly, struggle with these reactive patterns and links. They occur at least a few times every day. Some days they are so disruptive that I cannot do much more than sleep and eat. I notice, I breathe, I rest, and I try to just accept them while moving on in my thoughts from the natural sense of anger and annoyance that my reactive symptoms bring up.

I find that my G.P., social workers who talk with me, and mental health professionals to whom I have been referred, have no viable method to deal with these symptoms or underlying problems that cause them. Responsible ones among them validate me--those who are educated to understand trauma. They acknowledge the seriousness of my experiences and my struggle. But they admit that there is little more than they can give me. Health care systems don’t provided much in these situations. The social care system has no solutions and no accurate category into which to place me.

The government benefits system, which assesses incapacity and suitability for receipt of financial assistance, does not recognise my particular problems as ‘disabilities‘. Scepticism, incomprehension, and frustration are typical responses of bureaucratic systems and agencies when they encounter people who suffer ongoing traumatic effects of domestic violence. Even those workers who have been educated about the issues and properly trained to interview people, have few options, powerless to offer any long-term help and relief.

So, various individuals and organisations pass the buck and the blame for persistent traumatic response problems. They fail to accept any moral obligation to find workable solutions and assistance programs. Victims of 9/11, the London bombings, or PTSD following combat experiences, for example, are considered suitable candidates for de-programming and therapy to deal with their bodies' and psyches' scrambled functions. But sufferers like me are told to 'get over it,' instructed to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, and offered other useless ‘therapeutic’ bandages.

Validation and acknowledgement are critical elements that allow healing to begin and to continue. Moreover, as important as the need for validation of the person’s accounts and experiences of trauma, is the need for validation and acknowledgement of special, persistent difficulties and disruptions to his or her life and future.

As I began to read Mr.  Gilmore’s comments, my anxiety was quietened. I am, after all, a rational, self-respecting, confident individual. However, within minutes, I experienced a familiar loud buzzing and ringing in my ears that I trace to the beginning of abusive cycles in my marriage. Tinnitus plagued me for the next several hours and still continues as I write this reply and blog post.

Is the sudden onset of tinnitus caused by 'negative thoughts' or an insistence on focusing on my past? Is it a result of a stubborn insistence on viewing myself as a 'victim'? Is it happening because I hold grudges and ill will toward my former abuser--a refusal to forgive and forget? Is it because I have failed to 'move on' and be optimistic about present and future opportunities or possibilities?

Absolutely not!

I can get no validation or assistance to deal with my tinnitus, or with spontaneously triggered severe acid reflux, sudden exhaustion or mental blanking, and a variety of other annoying, debilitating remnants of my historic traumatic experience. Often, I have absolutely no clue what triggered the response; sometimes, with a careful, focused back-tracking and detective work, I can identify a specific trigger event, reminder of an incident, a smell, a visual link, a tone of voice or other sound, a slight nuance in someone’s body language. However, I am unable to disconnect those triggers from the physiological responses. They are still operating because of the conditioning that happens when a person becomes hyper attentive to any small indicator that abuse is about to happen again. Wouldn’t anyone dealing with that, learn to habitually look for signs that they are in danger again, and again, and again?

Because I was abused over and over in countless subtle and overt ways, by mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, sexual and physical means, there are hundreds or thousands of triggers!

I repeat: There are hundreds or thousands of triggers! Because the trauma of abuse was pervasive and infiltrated nearly every aspect of my life during a period of several years, no clear-cut, easy remedy is available to undo the damage.

Because society perceives that my problem arose from a 'relationship difficulty,' society does not recognise the long-term, enduring traumatic effects in the same way it legitimises other kinds of physical and psychological results of trauma. The treatment lack I am offered by medical and mental health establishments, and the absence of understanding and appropriate treatment, cloud and blur all the abuse issues with other unrelated and often socially judgemental conclusions about me and about my character, my personality, my very legitimacy as a patient/client needing treatment and remedial care. I understand the financial impracticalities they face when dealing with this problem which affects as many as one in four women and an undetermined number of men. I am aware of that the general public still gets waylaid by too much misinformation, too much outdated theorising about abuse and trauma in the context of relationships. I even understand that the vast majority of physical and mental health professionals lack adequate information, funding, and empathic skills to address the issues I face.

I am growing accustomed to getting bounced back and forth between oppositely-focused counsellors. I have combined a number of typical experiences to create the following fictional examples of how that works:

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Conversation with mental health professional A:

I, the client, talk about my feelings, my distress, my pain, my sense of futility, my losses, in a personal and detailed manner. I focus on my specific difficulties and what they mean to me, as an individual. I include the negative and the positive, the things I things I treasure that keep me going day to day. In a story-telling, background-giving manner, I talk about what happened that brought me here. I express how it felt at the time and how it devastated my life. I talk about the journey I’ve made and the process of honestly accepting what I cannot change, letting go of the years and opportunities that were lost because of it, putting things behind me. I give specific, detailed examples that I believe she will comprehend. These examples are painful to recount, and I openly show my emotions as I share them.

In response, the counsellor tells me I focus too much on myself and my personal difficulties and complaints. She is confident that what I need to do is to go out and get involved in social things, meet people, be busy, look at the bigger picture. From her extremely limited of my specific past and present situations, without much consideration of my dire financial situation or the limitations of my physical illness) she lists ways I could do this.

If she were not so careful to couch her responses and reactions to me and my story in professional, clinically acceptable phrases, she might sum it all up with this way: 

"Why on earth are you still whining about this? Get over yourself! stop being so self-absorbed. Get a life! You are sitting here appearing to be intelligent, suitably groomed and observant of social conventions. You have no real problem in my opinion. Because you insist on being negatively focused and on emotionally reacting to the facts that cannot be changed, about things that are in the past, you continue to be depressed. I will prescribe a tablet for that. Get some exercise, stop insisting that you are a victim, and move on!"

I, the client, read something of that nature between the lines of clinical phrases the counsellor speaks, the ones I recognise as a combination of her training and her own personal view of the world. Her message is clear to me, but not at all useful. I leave deflated and disappointed. I try to shrug off my personal hurt at what has just transpired. I resolve to be more circumspect and lett demonstrative in future clinical interviews.

Conversation with mental health professional B:

The counsellor begins by explaining to me that we have only a limited number of sessions in which to address my issues.  She says that as my history is obviously long and complex, we need to focus less on details and more on practical ways to deal with the ‘presenting problems’ that bring me here to this session. Then she asks routine background questions in a clinical style I recognise.

I, the client, cooperatively offer the facts of my history and my current situation as she asks for them. I briefly outline my medical and emotional condition, the course of events that led to it, the opinion I have formed about what happened to me and my current needs. I present these in the larger context of what I have learned about traumatic responses. I tell her that I am all too aware of the hundreds of thousands of people who are suffering from domestic violence and all its ramifications, its stigma, its  long-lasting effects. I say that although my situation is nothing compared to many who suffer, I want to find ways to work out the tricky parts of my psychology and particularly the chain of triggers and reactions that underlie my everyday functions.  I tell her that I want to do this for a number of reasons. I list the reasons.

I talk about what I believe happens when people are traumatised and faced with massive losses in their lives. I talk about what they need and what they experience as they try to recover from trauma. I talk about how significant it is for them when they encounter a rare individual who validates and acknowledges them. I talk about how wonderful it is to find love and understanding, and about how healing that is for people like me.

The counsellor stops me and instructs me to restate everything I just told her, but to say it in a 'personal way'. She wants me to 'own' my feelings and to assert my personal rights. She wants me to learn to be comfortable claiming my feelings and expressing them. She says that I am obviously distancing from the trauma and from my feelings. I am generalising and discussing the issues in a de-personalised way. This is unhealthy. This shows I lack self-esteem and self-respect. I obviously feel that I am unworthy of personal attention and recognition from others. She wants me to value myself more than that. She believes the solution to my problem is to speak my truth directly. I need to stop minimising and ignoring my pain and my personal truth. I should learn how to tell my story without apologies or social generalisations. She makes me say everything I just told her, using the words 'I' and 'me' instead of talking about 'victims of trauma' or 'survivors of domestic violence.'

I, the client, cooperatively do as she asks. It is not difficult. I tell her so. I explain that the reason I stated things as I did before, that I am concerned about change that will positively affect all victims, including myself.

The counsellor nods.

I, the client, think, “She doesn’t believe what I just said. She thinks I am dismissing her theory about my lack of self-worth. The counsellor returns to comfortable territory by outlining for me once again, the basics of cognitive behavioural therapy theories. 

The counsellor insists on discussing negative thought patterns according to the CBT method.

I, the client, tell her I have done this already in other counselling courses and independent work. I tell her that the problem lies not in my conscious thoughts and attitudes, but in unconscious trauma-induced patterns that are triggered by sensory events and phenomena in my everyday world.

The counsellor’s eyes glaze over. She tells me that our time is up. She schedules another appointment with me for next week.

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I am now beyond the point of frustration with the medical and mental health systems. If you, or anyone reading this can direct me to some truly compassionate and intelligent treatment for people who suffer from PTSD type conditions due to periods of daily, comprehensive abuse in their environment or relationship, rather than to specific incidents of war or disasters, please contact me. It would be nice to know that someone, somewhere, is getting suitable treatment.

However, the reality is that whatever insightful and comprehensive programs exist for specific difficulties which victims of ongoing traumatic stress disorders experience, only a small minority of people like me have access to those programs. They seems funded privately or by small segments of medical academia. They are often restricted to small test groups in a single city. Otherwise, they are available only to those with social status and financial means. They cost thousands of pounds or dollars and require travel or relocation in order to participate in the programs.

This is an outrage! It is a disgrace and a societal shame! It is a waste of human resources! Most of all, it is an abuse of abuse victims and survivors of trauma! It is about time that people suffering as I do and those enduring far worse reactions and syndromes should be treated with care and attentive, intelligent methods to untangle the web that entraps them in their own bodies and their present nightmares of the past.

To Aaron Gilmore, and others like him and me who seek understanding and who address the issues that affect abuse victims, who pursue justice on our behalf, I want to say,

"Thank you very much for a precious commodity--validation of my writing and of my right to speak and to write these truths. I deeply appreciate it."

That was my personal, self-focused reply.
Here is the socially conscious, mature, unselfish reply:

“Thank you, on behalf of all who suffer. My situation is mild compared to the torments many endure, and minute compared to the larger sea of suffering.”

Both replies are valid. Thanks for understanding that.

Goodness, Truth, and Beauty endure.
May we look to them for guidance in everything.

 A short addendum to this post:

I just returned from a visit to my G.P., in which I requested a different drug for the pain of my fibromyalgia. She asked me whether I would consider acupuncture treatment. I said that acupuncture and massage therapy were very helpful to me 7 years ago when the condition was first diagnosed; but that I had been told repeatedly that acupuncture and massage are not available through the NHS. She said that there is now an acupuncturist working for the NHS in this area, and that she has referred several patients with Fibromyalgia to her. She will refer me right away.

I have not received such good news in a very long time. Hope is rekindled that I may overcome this illness and be able to live a more normal life again.

I am smiling, and I am still in pain. I am dreaming of a time when I will not be in pain.

So.... long time, no post

Chronic pain, no matter how one looks at it or philosophises about it or resolves to deal with it, is a huge drain on a person. I was given a new anti-depressant by a psychiatrist to whom I was referred. This was not what I requested-- I requested a drug that would help control and alleviate my chronic pain, tiredness, and mental fog. But I was willing to give it a try. It seems that the medical doctors want to blame this on my mental health and the mental health professionals who get to know me through therapy want to blame it on my physical problems. I agree with the latter. However,  I certainly have thought through the whole thing and understand that my depression resulting from all that has happened to me, is one factor which influences my physical health dramatically. Also, the PTSD reactions (If only anyone in a 'helping profession' could or would address them in a way that doesn't just tell me to stop or replace my negative thoughts--I routinely do that, already!) also continually disrupt both my mental and physical health, making both aspects erratic and completely unpredictable. It is an array of organic and sensory links which usually trigger the distressing signals and traumatic reactions; NOT my thoughts or focus on negative events past and present. This unpredictability of my whole physical being creates permanent limitations, because I cannot plan or make commitments and know that I will be able to do what I plan and intend to carry out.

The newer anti-depressant, Cymbalta, seemed to work better than the previous one, for the first few weeks. But who can determine whether that is just a coincidental thing or actually due to the drug's effects? My health and mental state vary all the time, and the reactive conditions and physical problems cycle around for days, weeks, even months at a time. Anyway, after a few more weeks on Cymbalta, I was having the same reactive patterns as before, the same feelings of pain and tiredness, mental fog... the whole package.

One thing made life intolerable for me: Like the first anti-depressant I was ever given a few years ago, Cymbalta stifled most of my normal emotions and physical responses to everything good, bad, or just natural. It was like living under a pillow that dampened the sensation of pleasure, anger, sadness, desire, sexuality, amusement and hilarity. I couldn't even experience boredom! Without being able to experience sexual satisfaction or desire, a good belly laugh at my favourite television comedies or the antics of my budgie, etc., I had to ask myself what was the point of being on this medication. I carefully reduced the dosage to once every other day... the same dosage that the psychiatrist had prescribed to gradually begin its use. 

After a few weeks at that lower level I still failed to recover my stifled sensory experiences, so I stopped the medication completely. Very soon, my natural emotions returned to normal. I could cry and experience relief--including shedding tears. I could once again feel sexual desire and experience orgasm, (Note: this is an important part of my identity as a woman, although I have had no sexual partner since being with my abusive husband over six years ago.) I could sit and laugh until I cried at things on television or at my bird's latest antics. The pain of my fibromyalgia condition remains about the same, but I am 'human' once again.

I have to try to get someone to prescribe still another medication that might help the chronic pain. I am going to request Lyrica and see if that is an option for me.

In the meantime, I am truly happier. I can see wonderful things around me and inside me that tell me life is getting better and better. I don't know what the future holds, for sure, but I now know that I want to be there in it, fully, freely, and with all my senses engaged. I also want to share it with people I love, who can and will love me as everyone deserves to be loved. I have resolved to cut off relationships that are not reciprocally loving and respectful. I can't deal with the havoc they cause to my limited physical and mental resources, anymore. I WILL choose whom I call my friends and family. About that, I have stopped apologising; I've stopped trying to explain or reason with people who feel that is an unkind and improper decision to make.

I'm still in Second Life, and I have met wonderful people there. I have relationships that are real and complete in every way except physical proximity.

I am writing this, after so very long away from my blog, because of a dear, brilliant, deep-thinking, lovely, person whom I met in Second Life only briefly. She is a woman whose emotional pain is extreme and enduring, through no fault or choice of her own. She has a very hard road to walk. I was touched so deeply by what she wrote in her profile, and what she shared with me, that i decided to write this post today. Below, I want to quote a small part of what she shared. I have her permission to use it.



"I don't always know what to think of a society that cannot..or will not...protect its weakest citizens.  Children, women, the homeless..people who are marginalized..or different. Yet gives more to the most priveliged every day, and caters to the whims of fanatics and religious groups. If anyone is aware of a site that can explain that...please give me the link."

Tonight, Art Garfunkel was a guest on a British talk programme. As part of the preparation for his visit, the programme staff recorded lots of people they met on city streets, asking them to sing bits of the Simon and Garfunkel hit from the 1970's, Bridge Over Troubled Water. 

 
When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I'll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silver girl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend,
I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.


- lyrics by Paul Simon


It is a song that most people remember and love. Many people can even quote lines from the song. Having just written my post titled "Difficulties" earlier in the day, I listened to those people singing the words and wondered, "What has happened to those ideals, to those gestures of kindness and caring we grew up with and vowed to incorporate in our lives as adults, as citizens, as parents and shapers of the future?" Somehow, we have managed to create categories of people and situations in which we feel it is right and good to be a 'bridge over troubled water' and quite a lot of other categories in which we have decided to step aside and point an accusing finger at the victim.


The religious or humanitarian heroes we have been taught to use as models for our lives, whether Buddhist, Christian, Islamic, or Jewish, or otherwise associated, did not treat people this way! Rather, their compassion towards their fellow human beings was and is consistent with the words of that beautiful song. In the stories I remember, they didn't qualify or restrict their compassionate responses toward people in need through any kind of blame or judgement of the victim.

Please, re-read those lyrics or listen to that song again, and take it to heart, my friends, my brothers and sisters! I am asking you to fight the trend of blaming and shaming the weak, the suffering, the downtrodden, the dispossessed and the abandoned. Shun the trend of looking out only for yourself and a small circle of people you have selected as your friends and companions. This is not what our heroes chose to do with their lives. They said, "I will lay me down, like a bridge over troubled water," to all they encountered who were suffering. Be a Bridge Over Troubled Water in whatever way you can.



Recently, I have read more about Fibromyalgia online. While doing that, I found a video that is free to link to and pass on. It explains what these kinds of illnesses are like for those of us who suffer from them. Please watch it and try to put yourself in a compassionate frame of mind toward others who struggle with these difficult "invisible illnesses". Click on the link at the end of this post to start the video.     

When you encounter someone's complaints or explanations, try not to discount or invalidate what they tell you. Don't tell them that when they say something, they actually mean something different. Saying those things and insisting on reinterpreting their intentions and words will shut down all communication and make them believe that you feel superior to them. It can ruin a beautiful friendship for you. For them, it can result in greater depression and isolation. An invisible illness is a social and circumstantial nightmare for the person struggling to cope with it. Maybe the video will help explain that. Offer your companionship, some practical help of whatever kind you can give, and your determination to try to understand--not to judge or re-interpret--what they tell you. Don’t make your friend choose between listening to your judgement and condescending words or losing your friendship during a time of need and loneliness.

Goodness, Truth and Beauty will increase

when we open our hearts to each other.

Click this link to watch a video dealing with fibromyalgia, ME, CFS, and similar illnesses:

http://www.sleepydust.net/me-cfs-chronic-fatigue-syndrome-video.html

I recently seem to have lost a friend because the friend was unable to recognise and accept the circumstances of my current life challenges and difficulties. Whatever I said was picked apart, and I found my friend telling me that when I made certain statements, "what you really meant was _______ and it couldn't possibly have been interpreted any other way." My patient, polite corrections were rebuffed time after time, and my friend might as well have been calling me a liar. This was both puzzling and deeply upsetting to me, because my friend was a person whose intellect, sharing of ideas and perspective, respect and generosity toward me in the past had been a great blessing; these mutualities had brought us both a lot of happiness over many years, enabling us to discuss and accept great cultural variations and differing personal belief systems. We had been able to learn from each other, support each other (at a distance) through hard times, and broaden each other's knowledge base, among other things. I had trusted my friend and held my friend's opinions, comments and character in high regard, and I was comfortable that we could 'agree to disagree' about a few things, while still being very fond of each other and lifelong friends. It never became personally blaming or offensive when we didn't see things eye to eye... until these last few months. After that happened, I finally had to accept the fact that sometimes, "There is none so blind as he who will not see, and none so deaf as he who will not hear." Things had reached a stage where I could only stop trying to set them straight and let go of the friendship. It is a huge loss in my life.

When anyone discounts or persistently reinterprets what you say to them in an honest effort to explain and clarify your intentions and your meaning, they are showing disrespect for you. Although my friend is NOT a bully or an abuser, this thing my friend is doing IS part of what abusers and bullies do. So, doing that to someone who has been abused and bullied in the past compounds their sense of pain and isolation. For me and many other people trying to recover from trauma, it also sets off the PTSD symptoms. Ironically, sometimes the people who chide us for not being assertive to defend ourselves against bad treatment are the very same ones on whom we eventually have to hang a 'toxic' label. There is no long-term solution except to avoid them, for the sake of our own health!

Quite a large part of the communication and acceptance difficulties with my friend arose over explanations and frustrations about my fibromyalgia condition. Believe me; I don't want to have fibromyalgia. I would like to, and often do, minimise the symptoms and the problems associated with it. I often say "I'm fine" instead of telling people who know me how very depressed I feel or how much pain I am in, or how confused and incompetent I often become because of my illness and my problems. I often just try not to think about the fibromyalgia, as though the problem will go away like a horrible cold or flu. But it doesn't go away. It sometimes seems quite a lot better; and when it does, I become active, hopeful, industrious, and cheerful. Then all the familiar symptoms return. Then, finding myself physically and mentally weakening more and more, I finally talk to other people and tell them the full extent of my problems. I hope and pray that they will believe me, be concerned, and offer some kind of emotional support if they can.

I find myself not only dealing with the pain and exhaustion, but also with the financial, situational and household problems that occur when my ability to cope and to think clearly, to move around and do normal daily tasks, are compromised. In addition to physical challenges, I find myself spinning back into the intrusive memories of abuse --abuse which began shortly after I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia. My now ex-husband told me flat out one day a few months after we were married, "You're only half a person. I don't want a wife who is only half a person." He said this in a blaming tone with anger written all over his face and body language. He repeated it many times later on. When I said, "You are really hurting me and blaming me when you say that. It seems like you are punishing and abusing me for having an illness I can't stop having," he replied, "So, now you are telling me I don't even have a right to say the truth!" It did no good to ask him to please express his feelings and his 'truth' in a less-hurtful way. It was clear that he was very angry with me and I was going to hear and see and feel the brunt of his anger as long as I was ill. I desperately wanted to get well, even more for the sake of stopping his abuse and his anger!

But when I was treated by a Chinese doctor whose acupuncture and Thai massage therapy, although painful, made a slow steady improvement in my condition, my abusive husband accused me of having sexual feelings and intentions toward the doctor, and vice versa. Even though my husband drove me to those appointments and sat in the treatment room the whole time, he started hassling me so much about these imaginary 'sexual feelings and intentions' that I was constantly upset and constantly asking him what he wanted me to do. It seemed that one minute he was telling me I could no longer go to the Chinese doctor, and the next minute he was demanding that I go so I would get well and start being 'a proper wife' instead of the 'half a person' he didn't want to be married to. When pressed for a decision, he would promise to shut up about it and let me get the treatment I needed so desperately. Then when we'd get in the car to drive there, he'd shout at me and accuse and interrogate me for the entire trip and for days afterward.

On two occasions, as the Chinese doctor stood alongside my husband and me to say goodbye in the waiting area of his shop, he smiled and told us that I was doing a lot better, and he put one arm around my shoulder in a friendly way for a few moments. My husband said nothing until we got outside, away from there. Then he flew into a rage. He demanded that I tell the doctor he had touched me inappropriately and that he should never touch me like that again! I refused to do so, knowing that this would damage the platonic friendship the doctor believed he had with both my husband and me, and hurt his feelings. Besides, my husband was demanding that I speak to the doctor as though I personally believed that he had sexual intentions toward me, and I couldn’t do that honestly. There were plenty of other outrageous accusations and demands of a similar nature that had nothing to do with the Chinese doctor. I knew this whole thing was a ridiculous product of my husband’s insane jealousy that neither I nor anyone else had done anything to provoke. I told my husband that. I said that if he didn’t believe me and wanted to give the doctor a ‘telling off’ he would have to do it himself. He didn’t choose to speak to the doctor, however, but always behaved politely toward him, only tormenting me about it when we were alone.

The problems continued and worsened, eventually leading to a major violent incident at home after one of my Chinese medicine treatments. When I told him I needed to rest and asked him to let me have a nap, he refused to leave the room and continued shouting at me. I said that since he wouldn't let me have a rest from his shouting, I would leave the house for a couple of hours to get a bit of peace and quiet and be alone. Then he began pushing and shoving me. He physically blocked the door and threatened to kill me. Only when I screamed, alerting other people, did he stop the physical abuse and threats. I called the police when he left the house after that, saying he was going to commit suicide; and as a result of my screaming and my call to the police, I, not my husband was blamed. We were told we could no longer stay in the flat of the house where we had been given a place to live until he could find work.

I continued to hold on to my Chinese medicine treatment, which was costly, but which I had arranged to help pay for by bartering some tutoring of the doctor's 5-year-old daughter. Instead of being grateful and cooperative in my plan to save some of the costs of my treatment, my husband abused me for taking time to tutor her, and constantly interfered with the arrangements. He would say, "Why do you want to pay attention to her? She's nothing to us!"

Over time, the fibromyalgia symptoms decreased almost completely, although other stress-related illnesses either worsened or cropped up out of the blue. He berated me almost daily for hours, adding to my difficulties with pain and insomnia and depression by shouting at me and telling me I was lazy, selfish, and a bad wife. He kept me awake late into the night and awakened me first thing in the morning many times to continue the tirade with loud complaints and demands that I "act like a proper wife". He humiliated me in public if I had to stop, sit down and rest, if I couldn't keep up a fast pace, or just felt too sleepy to wake up and dress and go out after tossing and turning all night, being kept awake by him, or being in excruciating pain for hours with migraines, muscle aches and stomach problems.

Many times I caved in to his demands and his constant criticism. I tried every way I could think of to ease the situation and to get well. Together with my own sadness at finding myself in this horrible situation, a resolve to do my best and get well and get along with him in whatever way I could made me determined to work hard, ignore the pain, "Just do it until you drop!" as I often ordered myself to do. But because he is an abuser and a bully, even during those days and weeks when I arose at 5 or 6 am and worked hard, non-stop until after midnight, he would tell me, "You never do anything. You are lazy. You are selfish. You want to be waited on hand and foot. You never do anything for me. You only do what you want to do. You aren't acting like a proper wife".

I had medical tests that showed I had an ulcer, and the medication I was given for it made me incredibly tired and achey. He began to harrass me because I was even more tired and mentally exhausted than usual. Tinnitus was adding to the problems and my difficulty concentrating or completing tasks. I just couldn't keep up with all I had been doing. (I was working for him, because he had already blocked every attempt to continue my own career). It reached a point that I was physically unable to continue. I said I would have to cancel a session that was planned with a group of people I was to lead. I knew that the medication and my illness were making it impossible and that I needed to rest and get well. He would not accept this explanation, so I went back to the GP to see what could be done. My GP told me It was a strong antibiotic, and the only medication that can truly cure ulcers. She said that if I stopped taking it, the ulcers would get worse and plague me for the rest of my life. She also said I needed to rest more for about 6-8 weeks, and that I should avoid stress. If I hadn't felt so doomed sitting there in her office hearing these words, I would have laughed at that remark and said "Not bloody likely!” right out loud! She already knew from previous consultations with me that he was abusing me continually.  

He was waiting in the sitting area of the surgery. When I came out, he stood up and confronted me, demanding, "Well, what did she say?" with a whole roomful of people around us waiting for their appointments and the office staff besides. I whispered quietly that she said I had to continue on the medication or the ulcer would not go away. I said that she had told me there was no alternative treatment for my condition, and that I must avoid stress and rest more; instead of continuing to work. I explained to him as gently as I could, that she had said the medication would make me feel very weak and tired for about 6-8 weeks, and that I should only go back to my normal routine gradually. He turned all red in the face and blew a fuse, shouting at me before we even walked out of the hearing of those other people, and continued the tirade for hours afterward in a reckless drive home, escalating to a full uproar when I crawled into bed and bolted the bedroom door. I phoned someone to call off that evening's work ‘obligation’ I couldn't manage. She was sympathetic when I explained, and promised to call everyone else involved. While I talked to her on the phone, he was banging on the bedroom door and shouting at me that I'd better carry on with my duties and stop taking that medication, or else! She could hear him. I felt ashamed, humiliated and hopeless. 

After I came out of the refuge system and finally had a permanent place to live, I began to feel a lot healthier, in general. I could feel my stress-related illnesses were improving and even my mental health problems stemming from the abuse were fading a little every few months. Still, my efforts to get some financial and material justice with regard to my personal possessions and other practical matters my ex-husband had manipulated to his advantage were either mostly unsupported or flatly dismissed by people in authority who could have helped. I had to recover from those encounters and blows to my dignity and my sense of hope for the future, just as you would have to recover from each further episode of abuse. They brought on the familiar patterns of pain, depression, trauma, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder episodes. But the fibromyalgia pain and exhaustion still seemed to have gone away for good, even then.

Then, a little over a year ago, in a period of dissociation, depression and mental confusion, I tripped over my vacuum sweeper and fell in my bathroom, breaking my arm. I was recovering pretty quickly from this injury, according to the specialist who treated me, but I began to notice the fibromyalgia symptoms coming back during that period. I mentioned this to the physiotherapist at the hospital, and she nodded, saying that often a new injury will trigger the recurrence of fibromyalgia symptoms that had gone away. Since then, a specialist has re-diagnosed me as having fibromyalgia--the condition that seemed to be the stated cause of all my now-ex-husband's abuse in the very beginning. 

I told myself that it would go away once the arm was healed. Now, my arm is completely back to normal strength and mobility, but the fibromyalgia symptoms seem to remain the same or even worse, sometimes. This last weekend, I had an awful accident of judgement, due to the 'fibro-fog' as it is called (that fuzzy, exhausted confusion that comes with lack of sleep and chronic levels of pain and muscle aches). The accident caused damage to my flat and my neighbour's flat. I was horrified and felt tremendous guilt as well as hopelessness about my ability to cope and function on my own. A few days later, it seems that there won't be as big a problem as I'd first imagined, and my neighbour is understanding. However, I may be charged for part of the cost of repairs, and I have no money to pay.

That incident has prompted me to renew my efforts to seek support from others and from the NHS. I made an appointment to see the GP again, and I am going to be more insistent this time instead of walking out of there thinking, "Well, there's not much to be done. I just have to stumble along and take whatever comes."

In an attempt to find some kind of cosmic explanation for the abuse, the injustices I’ve encountered, the repeated failures by officials to appropriately handle and judge the situation, my continuing PTSD, and the fibromyalgia; some ‘friends’ and other people I’ve come across have made various conclusive statements that are extremely unhelpful. Perhaps their explanations eased their own discomfort and moral dilemma, but they certainly did nothing for my sense of loss, isolation, humiliation, and hopelessness. Here are a few examples:

Bad Karma - These things you are suffering from are a result of the bad karma you created in your previous lives.  Maybe in your past, this person who is now abusing you or treating you unjustly was someone you intentionally harmed or killed. Now you are getting the natural consequences of your past bad actions.

God’s Judgement – God has a reason for bringing all of these things into your life. God is punishing you, teaching you a lesson, or calling you back to obedience – Don’t worry, this is all happening for your own good. You have gone astray, and this is necessary to get you back in line.  You need to trust and submit to his greater wisdom. He knows what is best. He will not give you any more than you can bear.

Lack of Faith, Negative Belief/Unhealthy Attitudes and Thought Patterns – These things happened to you because you didn’t have enough faith, didn’t pray hard enough, didn’t trust enough, had too little self- confidence or self-belief, or somehow were 'not walking in accordance with God’s will’….   (There are a lot of variations on this theme.)

You allowed this to happen to you because you didn’t really do what you should have done -- In the case of injustice and abuse, this is the result of your own choice to let other people treat you this way. In the case of the illness, it is the result of your poor mental and physical habits, or the lack of some particular type of supplement or therapy you should have taken.

You chose this journey before you were born – We are immortal beings constantly evolving and growing toward perfection. We cycle through many phases of existence and we are responsible for developing a plan before each incarnation, whereby we will live a preselected life and encounter exactly the right combination of experiences we need to grow and develop. You had a choice before you were born, and you put this plan together for this particular life, even choosing who your parents would be, where and when you would become human, and what sort of difficulties you would put yourself through in the world and with other people.

MY RESPONSE TO THESE PRONOUNCEMENTS AND EXPLANATIONS:

I can’t change your personal belief system about Karma or God’s almighty, infinite wisdom. However, if you are going to talk about a God who is simultaneously and eternally Kind, Wise, All-Powerful, All-Knowing, and Just, then this combination of beliefs simply doesn’t make any sense. I know I am less intelligent and wise than your God is supposed to be, but if he made me, he knows this, doesn’t he? Why would he deliberately place me in circumstances I am unable to comprehend or change or master, even through prayer and obedience to him? In what way is this going to help me be close to him or teach me a lesson if I can't even know what he is supposed to be doing or what he wants me to do in my specific situation? Ah, yes, your proposed solution is that I should accept your version of God's plan for me, because that is how you think a certain book or your personal revelation says I should do things--even though you disagree with dozens of other interpretations and with what my own better judgement and conscience tell me I should do!

Sometimes it is even the same people who tell you to trust and submit to God’s infinite and inscrutable wisdom and will, who later tell you that you should have seen your circumstances as a sign of God's warning to defend yourself and ‘stop allowing yourself to be treated so badly’. If you protest that you have neither disobeyed or ignored God’s sovereignty over you, nor failed to heed any warnings, nor failed to protect and stand up for yourself, they look at you as though you have just stated the obvious contradiction. They nod their heads and tell you that of course you have just revealed the problem. You can’t be defending yourself from what is happening to you and be submissive to God's almighty plan at the same time, if you believe that whatever comes to you is God’s Holy Will! Only someone who has encountered this mental manipulation or wrestled with such beliefs will understand the mental anguish that results from twisted logic and double-binds like these.

The theory that we create our own problems because of our habits, our negative attitudes, etc. has a small element of legitimacy in the case of some problems. Sure, people who smoke often get lung diseases; people who drink often kill themselves or others in road accidents or develop liver disease. People who gamble ruin their families’ finances and destroy trust. People who carry themselves in a defeatist attitude, fail to present themselves well, etc. are sometimes bullied or passed over for employment, etc.

However, applying those kinds of rational cause and effect logic to all distresses and problems that people encounter only causes them more pain. I have never smoked nor drunk more than an infrequent, very small amount of alcohol. I've never taken drugs, I don't go outside without sunblock, I wear sensible shoes, I get exercise and eat healthfully, I buy chemical-free cleaners and household products.... the list goes on and on. As far as any intelligent person can, I have always tried to be a responsible person when it comes to caring for myself and everything and eveyone else. I do my best! Everyone who has known me well would testify to my self-confidence, social skills, optimism, kindness toward others, fairness, and firmness in dealing with people who try to bully and mistreat me. None of these supposed causes can possibly have brought about my illness, my partner’s abuse, or the societal neglect and injustices I have faced as I struggled with these problems.

Furthermore, if you apply those explanations to other situations people face with workplace bullying, bullying in schools, child-abuse even of infants, death, disease, and social stigma that is impossible to conquer by most people who are born disabled, financially disadvantaged, or ‘defective’ in some other way, you will surely see how unfair it is to say their own behaviours and habits or negligence caused what is happening to them and their 'failure to thrive' in the midst of it or afterward. Sure, there are exceptions and people who break out of the mould, but look at the statistics!

As for the last explanation, that we have ‘chosen’ whatever difficulties and challenges we face, before our birth, in order to learn and evolve as immortal souls; this is the most insidious argument and the most difficult to counter. Let me re-phrase the theory as I hear it in my heart: “You really have no right to complain about anything at all, because your own soul freely chose this particular life and everything that happens in it. You chose your parents, perhaps even knowing that they would abuse you as an infant. You chose your particular path and set of circumstances, including every hurt and injury that would happen to you. If you were raped, you chose to be raped. If you were beaten, you chose to be beaten. If you are in unspeakable pain, you chose to be in unspeakable pain and to have no remedy for it. If you have been betrayed and abandoned by others, or falsely accused of crimes or denied the necessities of life, you chose all of that, too. If you are suffering because of anything at all, it is because you chose suffering instead of peace, happiness, health, joy, love, and self-fulfillment. Although you can’t remember choosing it and it seems totally out of your control, you actually have set all this up—put it in motion—even the parts that other supposedly intelligent, volitional beings have played in your life. You knew it all and were able to see it all in advance. You drew up the contract and signed the agreement and took the plunge, somewhere long ago. So, just bear up. After you die, you will realise what you have accomplished and then it will all be okay. All distress will seem to you very far away and painless, then. Everything will be completely okay when you are able to view the overall plan that you yourself created.”

I say to this, whether God supposedly has chosen this ‘path’ or whether some essence of me has pre-determined and selected it, believing that is true creates nothing but a sense of futility and desperation and guilt:  If we or God are independent, free-choosing individuals, then how can we or God control what other people are doing to harm us—even make them harm us or put us in their path? Doesn't that violate their freedom to choose to do good? Or did they choose to behave like bastards, thieves and immoral brutes? If their supposed ‘higher, wise being’ was doing the same for them, to teach them a soul lesson, then why would that ‘higher self’ of theirs (or God, who is supposed to be Good) choose to do that teaching through wrong actions and harm, abuse, and destruction? If God or my higher self is supposedly all good and all wise, why wouldn’t I or God be able to do the ‘teaching’ in a benign and helpful, constructive way?

I've heard other extensions of this same belief system which explain that all of life is one big plan, containing things which appear to us as bad/evil and things which appear as good/right. They are all wonderful, however, because they are all part of a magnificent inter-connected web of life which works beautifully and perfectly!  My response to that? "Tell me how beautiful and perfect it is when your child gets kidnapped or raped, or your life is made a constant hell by someone who has targeted you to terrorise. If it is all such a great, wonderful, homogenous plan, we should stop policing our streets against criminals, stop locking our doors, stop seeing doctors and all that... just cooperate and groove together in this lovely, wonderful web of evil and good parading as opposites in our limited understanding. We should hang loose, lean back and enjoy the ride! Tell me if you can do that when you are starving or homeless or imprisoned because of a false accusation or a corrupt legal system. Then, maybe I'll listen... then, maybe we'll just cruise off to loony town together!

This post is admittedly much more cynical and sarcastic and brash than my previous posts have been. I feel angry and outraged. These kinds of assumptions and conclusions people spread around make me more and more angry and belligerent. They ought to make you feel that way, too, if you think about all help and healing they stand in the way of! They need to be confronted, or at least challenged as the nonsense they are, so people can be given the respect and dignity they deserve when they are in need.
 

Finally, all of these so-called explanations for suffering do the same things:

1. They stigmatise or at least blame and re-victimise the victim.
2. They allow the suffering to continue and even to be passed off as something good and useful for the victim’s character.
3. They allow society and individuals who encounter the person in need to maintain detachment from their fellow human beings, and evade responsibility to right wrongs.
4. They keep the victim struggling, feeling shame, self-blame and confusion about what has happened, what continues to happen, and why.
5. They shut down and shut out our cries for help. They lay upon us additional blame for asking others to help us and relieve our suffering. This makes us appear weak, whining, or even disobedient to God or our 'higher self'. They silence us at the deepest level, and they freeze our hearts toward each other—those who need help and those who could help them.
6. They often make it easy and convenient to dismiss and excuse perpetrators, thieves, con-artists, and every other kind of malicious individual, sending them on their way to propagate whatever kind of menace they wish to engage in.
7. They make it impossible for the intended ‘respondents’ to our distress to appropriately confront their own vulnerability and the danger that could just as easily befall themselves, until it is too late and they someday find themselves in similar positions of need and social isolation.

If you are purveying these kinds of belief systems and responses to other people, in your writing, teaching, preaching, or conversation: 
I am asking you to stop for a period--long enough to really put yourself mentally and emotionally in their place. Would hearing these statements of belief, explanation, or supposed 'truth' help you feel better or do better in that situation? Would it make you feel loved, cared for, and hopeful? Would it draw you closer to other people? Apply it to every single situation of human suffering you can think of.  Imagine yourself in that place—take away every life-line or support system you have been ‘blessed’ with in your own life. Imagine yourself without help, only being told these things by someone else to whom you have turned in desperation. Then decide:  Is this really what I want to say to someone who feels like that? Does it demonstrate love to me when I hear someone tell me these things? Does it make anything in this world better for any of us?

If you have been ‘helped’ a little or a lot by people who are giving you these kinds of explanations for your suffering, I would like to suggest this to you: 

Be quiet for a period of time and listen to what your heart is saying it really wants and needs to hear. Tell that comforting, loving, thing you most want and need to hear, to yourself, if no-one else will speak those words to you. Don’t mistake blame, shame, and excuses when people turn you away, for genuine, compassionate help.

Get more information about the specific problems you face. Don't excuse yourself if you know you have done wrong or could lessen your own suffering by making different choices, but don't blame and shame yourself if you have done your best. Continue to do your best.

Find specialists in that field that pertains to your problems by looking online, reading good books, or by referral from someone who treats you with respect… be sure to check them out, make sure the specialists are known and respected by genuine, reputable organisations. But if you still don't feel good when you read their writings or speak to them, continue your search for someone/something better for you.

Find support groups of other people who share your problems and difficulties and have banded together to amass information, resources, and efforts to bring about change in the way you and your problems are treated.

LOVE YOURSELF – even if it is only a little bit every day. Think of ways you can be a good parent to yourself—one who holds and comforts and genuinely protects the hurting child that is in all of us. It may be difficult to do this if you didn’t have a loving parent or other person in your life. But you can find examples of real loving parents in literature, in television and films, and in your imagination. You might see them around you if you look and observe. Trust those examples. You will know when you have the right image because it will make you feel safe and whole and good inside. Just follow that, if you have nothing else, and it will eventually lead you to more help, I hope.

Hold on to all that is Good, True, and Beautiful, and stand firm against things and people that do harm, denigrate or destroy others. Everyone has a right to dignity and freedom. I hope you and I together will do whatever we can to stop abuse in our world. It will cost us dearly at times. Right things are not cheap or free in this world, they only OUGHT to be.

My budgie, Ollie is busy in exploring mode this noon-time. An account of some of his escapades follows.

He’s made a mess of the lettuces I was growing on the kitchen windowsill, taking bites out of every leaf in the bunch and smashing several by sitting on them. I decided to let them be his lettuces! However, I’ll have to ration his time there, because too much lettuce gives a bird ‘the runs’. (Bad news for me, the one who has to clean up the mess all over the room.)

As I type this, he is experimentally engaged in pulling on the cloth netting I’ve wrapped around the oscillating fan. That netting is to protect him from sticking his tail and feet through the metal grating and getting cut. How could I have imagined the material itself would be so fascinating to a bird? I am almost as engrossed as he is, watching him and trying to work out exactly what he finds so interesting about it. Now he has me laughing out loud, because he’s slowly slid down the rounded side of the fan, attached to the netting by his feet, and eventually had to let go and fly away to keep from plummeting to the floor.

Lately we've had a few sessions of basic interactive play with a little plastic cat ball on the carpet. There are a some other ball games he has invented, as well, which I'm pondering for their training potential and tricks he can learn to astound human audiences in the future!

But today's most interesting episode was when he noticed his reflection in the television screen. It’s turned off, and shinier than usual, with the sun pouring in the window next to it. He was en route from the floor to the top of the TV cabinet, where his training T-stand and that captivating cranberry glass vase are situated. He couldn’t hover in place opposite the fluttering bird image, so he just kept going up and down like a determined, malfunctioning helicopter or a little dog repeatedly jumping off the floor to see out the half-window in a door. I heard bursts of flapping and fluttering from my chair in front of the computer, and stopped to watch. After five minutes or so, he seemed to wear himself out and give up. Sometime later, he tried to perch on the narrow bit of shelf that sticks out below the TV. From there, he could just touch the reflection of his head if he stretched as tall as possible. This eventually proved too tiring, as well.

Similarly, I pursue reflections now beyond my reach.

At the same time Ollie was trying in vain to stay within sight of his birdy reflection, I was trying to do something to enhance my everyday environment. (I won’t say what it was, just now, because it’s an area I’d rather not discuss here just yet.) I couldn’t help seeing the analogy between what Ollie was doing, pursuing his reflection in vain, and what I was struggling with. You see, as I tried to compile some things on my computer, more than half of them were triggering painful memories and associations related to my former life, both pre-abuse and associated with the abuse I’ve suffered. They are so deeply a part of me, that I am powerfully drawn to them, desperately wanting and needing to reconnect with these lost and stolen parts of myself. And I am also cut off from them, as a direct result of the abuse, my painful reactions, and my struggle for recovery in isolation from those things that used to be the primary focuses of my life. I find myself failing to re-connect and remain in touch with these things that draw me and call to me so powerfully, just as Ollie can’t stay in mid air to explore his reflection in the TV. There are physical, social and emotional limitations now that stand in my way, plus a tiring array of physical and mental reactions that waylay me when the triggers are activated. I am really angry and frustrated about this! I have no one to help me negotiate the minefield that stretches between me and the territory of ‘reflections’ where I would like to live once more. I had to stop seeing my counsellor because of the prohibitive cost of transport and other rising costs of living.

What Ollie and I both need is a ladder leading to a solid platform on which to find our balance there in that place to which we are drawn. For me, there would also need to be some reassuring, healing, supportive people to help me handle the pain that inevitably would result from trying to live and to be more like I used to be in the ways I used to be, in a world that now seems out of my reach and unwelcoming.

Ollie doesn’t really have these worries, and with him, I can usually let go of mine. He doesn’t seem too fazed by his limitations. He moves on from the TV to something else and seems contented enough. But then, of course, HE CAN FLY! In my mind, that makes up for a lot of frustrations. As it did when he started slipping off the fan, his trusty, unclipped wings provide him with an easy escape: He never falls! My wings were clipped and I can no longer 'fly' in the ways I once could, figuratively speaking.

He is unknowingly therapeutic, my little budgie... He’s a bit of a bother, too, what with ruined lettuces, the serrated edges that now adorn some leaves on my fiddle-leaf fig tree, the often inconvenient and unattractive bird-proofing devices I have to invent and live with, and the constant vigilance and cleaning services he requires of me. But he is well worth all of these.

May Goodness, Truth, and Beauty bless you all, wherever you are.

My budgie, Ollie, has a toy I gave him that he finds really exciting. It's a plastic box thing that hangs from a chain in his cage. At the top is a small mirror (Budgies are irresistibly drawn to mirrors--he can spend the better part of an hour 'kissing' his reflection in any shiny object, whether it be the stand mirror I use for grooming, a cranberry glass vase on top of my television cabinet, my water-glass sitting on the desk, or even the chrome latch fittings mounted on his main cage door.) Anyway, this little box toy also has four push buttons at the bottom. Each one of them plays a phrase in the actual voice of a parrot—presumably recorded by the company who made the toy. There’s “Calling all birds!” and “Hello!” and a madcap sort of birdy laughter, and “I love you.” For whatever reason, probably proximity and convenience when standing on the perch under the toy, “I love you” is the one he plays most often.

Now, I doubt very seriously if Ollie has any idea what “I love you” means. I say it to him, and perhaps he has recognised my words as the same ones the bird voice in the box says when he pushes the button. However, like the bird in the mirror, that bird in the box is not perceived accurately as being a recording, I don’t think. I don’t know whether he thinks it’s a real bird saying those things, or whether he can put any of these concepts together in even the very simplest way. I’m not going to discuss any of those questions; there are other people doing research on them. However, I know that Ollie is growing to trust and ‘love’ me more and more every day because I meet his needs for food, shelter, respect of his wishes (within reasonable limits as I must do to keep him safe and healthy) interaction, and companionship. I do, in fact, love him very much. As he hears me say those words, and associates those words with me and my displays of affection and care toward him, maybe he will understand, to the best of his small brain’s capacity, what “I love you” means. When he plays with the toy, pushing the button to make it  say those words, maybe he will get some kind of a connection there, too. And, one day, I hope, he will say “I love you” in his own voice, as a response to the toy--or better yet, to me. There is a bond being formed, developed and strengthened here. The associations are vital ones.

In my home, growing up, there was almost no show of affection between us. I was not hugged, kissed, or told “I love you,” as a child, except by my divorced, paternal grandmother, who was needy and somewhat smothering in her requests for hugs and kisses from her grandchildren. My mother and maternal grandmother expressed mild disgust about her overtures, and that is what I felt, too, even when I’d reluctantly go over and give her the kiss or the hug she wanted. Displays of affection and expressions of love weren’t just unusual in my family, they were not at all a part of our repertoire of interactions. I never saw audible or physical signs of love being exchanged between my parents and grandparents, either. But I could see them in other families, and I could see them portrayed in the pretty television families I watched during the 50’s and 60’s. And I could read about them in books. So, I came to understand that expressions of “I love you” in words and physical affection were actually part of normal human interactions, despite the way my family behaved. I remember being totally in awe and charmed by my best girlfriend's parents one day when she and I, pre-teens, were watching a pop music television show. Her father, who worked at home as an artist, happened to come into the room where we were watching and dancing along with the latest hits. He called her mother in from the kitchen. The two of them danced together right there in front of us, laughing and enjoying the music. Then he sat down in the big armchair across from the television and pulled his wife onto his knee and put his arms around her! This was amazing to me! How I wanted to be in that family!

When I reached my teens, I sought affection and responded to affection from my teenage friends of both sexes, and I began to learn how to do these things I had not been taught to do by my own family. It felt wonderful! It freed me, and opened up my heart! When I had romantic relationships, and then children of my own, I became comfortable speaking the words “I love you” every day, and showing those I love that I love them, in many ways. I even managed to say “I love you” to my parents and my siblings a few times—this was awkward and felt unnatural to do with them, but I did it, and I think it was a good idea, even though it was not really reciprocated.

Now, all these years and events later, living with Ollie, a creature I can’t cuddle or snuggle up to or sleep in spoons position with, or exchange thoughts and feelings with in any even quasi-mammalian way, is a challenge! But he’s all I’ve got in my daily environment. My best friend and I say “I love you” to each other sometimes at the end of a phone conversation or when we meet up for a visit. (Visits are rare, because of the distance between our homes and transport costs.) My children and I, separated for years, now, by thousands of miles and insufficient money for travel, also say “I love you” in emails and in our web-cam video calls. I’m so grateful for Skype! One of my children has made a few visits to me/my avatar in Second Life. That was interesting. There, we exchanged a ‘virtual hug’ via our avatars. It felt good, after so long, to hug him, even though it was only my avatar self hugging his avatar!

Exchanging the words, “I love you” and other expressions of affection feels nice and affirming every time! And I have managed, by some miracle during the last couple of years, to disconnect those words from their former association with my abuser and the myriad ways he used them to abuse me. But affection is distinctly lacking in my everyday world, now. I often wonder whether it will be this way for the rest of my life.

I often think about the millions of people in the world who are still living with horrendous abuse and crippling denials of their human dignity. I know that many of them have never had any demonstration of that phrase or that concept or that feeling of “I love you”. I know what it means to love and to be loved, although at times and during some long periods of my life I honestly felt, to quote the Bob Dylan song, that “Love is Just a Four-Letter Word!”

I’ve been noticing, and intend to continue exploring, the implications and reactions and responses that come to me when my little green and yellow feathered friend/charge/‘family member’ sits on his perch and presses that “I love you” button, often 30 or more times in succession, so that those words fill the flat where we live and invade my mental space and my isolation and my discouraged state of mind. And yes, I know he is mainly just intrigued with the sound and wanting to hear it over and over. He cocks his head in typical parrot fashion and listens intently. But, it is far more than a sound to me, and I’m going to write more about this. Stay tuned.

What do you think? Has this discussion made you laugh, or cry, or brought up any memories or questions or dilemmas for you?  Please click on the “Leave a comment” link below and tell me about it. I WILL BE SO GRATEFUL FOR YOUR INVOLVEMENT IN THE DISCUSSION, as my little Ollie has an extremely limited capacity to interact in any way I can understand at the moment— I AM doing my level best at learning to observe and interpret his behaviour so I can understand what he’s trying to convey. : ))

Wishing you all, whoever and wherever you are, many expressions of that beautiful phrase, “I LOVE YOU”. May you speak it with comprehension, and may you be blessed to hear it spoken to you, in whatever language or way it happens to be expressed. May it guide you and surround you, and flow outward from you like sound waves, like circular ripples in the stream of life.

And, by the way, I LOVE YOU, too.

Is anyone reading this blog?  It doesn't seem like it to me, because there are never any comments except one from someone wanting to sell her book written on a similar subject. I don't blame her for contacting me, but I don't have money to buy it, and I know all too well what she is writing about, from my own personal experience.

Anyway... it would mean so much to me if you would just hit the comment button at the bottom and say "I read your post--and I thought it was.....," or "Your post made me feel ___________" or "You're wasting your time here; there is nothing here worth commenting about."

Could you please do that for me?

Feeling a little better, physically, the last week or so, and feeling very pressured financially... as are many people in my situation. But I am okay. Mentally and emotionally a bit rocky sometimes, but better overall. How are you?

At least I still haven't crossed over the edge of raisin... That's something, isn't it?

Goodness, Truth and Beauty to All of You

Okay, For a couple of people who said to me, "I don't get it!" Here's an explanation of my silly puns which developed into the title for my blog, along with their connotations:

1st, reference the sequel to the popular Bridget Jones' Diary... called "....Edge of Reason", which I suppose started this musing on the term "Edge of Reason" in the first place. 2nd, think about raisins as dried up grapes... and grapes as the succulent, young, gorgeous, desireable things that get picked to make into wine. 3rd, for those who know a bit of French, you may remember that in French, the word "reason" is spelled, RAISON... one letter difference from the spelling of the word RAISIN, which is spelled the same in both languages. We can go on and on here... talking about the unfortunate tendency of some youths in the country where I live to refer to people in my age bracket and above as "wrinklies"....and talking about all the bacchanalian ideas about wine and losing one's senses, and a host of other things that come floating into the imagination thus made vulnerable and impressionable for such raisins/raisons/and general suspension or loosening of the fetters and boundaries of reason.

Well, aside from what I've already written, I just played around with these terms, and realised that in many respects, due to my age, my compromised mental health (as a result of abuse I talk about in this blog) and the wear and tear of life.... well, that I am truly "On the edge of raisin, looking into the grape beyond." Neatly enough, grape rhymes with great...hence, another pun in the same sentence--can such wealth of imagery and verbal contortionism be possible?

Aside from all of that... maybe, there is some other RAISIN/RAISON D'ETRE for this particular human-shaped raisin and her blog...   and that is what I wanted to talk about in a larger sense.

Now that I have dissected the title of my blog to the point of ridiculouslessness and made it totally unfunny, if it ever was funny to begin with; I will retreat and do my raisin thing, at which you may or may not laugh in either genuine or polite, large or small bursts of comprehension and incomprehension.

STILL COMING TO TERMS WITH MY RAISINHOOD AND THE GREAT BEYOND.... WHICH IS INFINITE, I DO BELIEVE... IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

For those of you who are either curious to see what people do in a virtual world, or perhaps already initiated into the interesting possibility of living in Second Life through an avatar, I’ve collected a few snapshots to put here. There will be more in upcoming posts.

I’m starting with some views of the inside of my virtual house. It is on a small peninsular parcel of land I purchased in a privately owned estate island which is meant to roughly simulate the geographic appearance of the Pacific Northwest United States. I would have preferred Northern European scenery with mountains, forests, and rocky beaches, but that was impossible to find on my limited budget.

My little parcel is surrounded on three sides by common water, and I have an area where I can keep my own little boat or yacht, if I wish; though I don’t do that, because I’d rather use my “prim allotment” for my house, plants, and furniture. (Prims are the basic building blocks for everything that is created in Second Life, and each area of land is limited to a certain number it can contain.)

Here are a few photos of me inside my house. I have a lovely panoramic ocean view, which includes a nearby lighthouse, and some nearby islands with other people’s homes on them. The time of day can be selected according to your wishes… so there are no limitations to when you can sit under the stars or lie in the sun on the beach… whatever your time of day and time zone happens to be in the in Real Life. My beautiful beachfront house was custom built by a very good friend, Rosario Carbetta, whose SL business is 1K Designs/M&R Creations. Check her out! She makes high-quality colour change furniture and pre-fab houses. She recently built a stunning nightclub for a client, among other large custom jobs.

Here’s a picture of my living room, as I have now furnished it, after careful planning and shopping. It contains an indoor waterfall room divider, a circular fireplace with moving flames, and a television which gets about 8 channels of Second Life programming… yes it’s real, and all done “inworld” using avatars and voice chat. There are broadcasts of every kind, pretty much like real world television: live coverage of sporting events like SL yacht racing, ice hockey or giant snail racing (Okay… there’s no giant snail racing like that in Real Life, but hey, that’s the fun of a virtual world!) Yes these things are all doable using the cutting edge technology available in Second Life! The television can be used to play videos or movies too, and I also have a radio which streams live broadcasts of over 50 stations onto my parcel of land. I have sound effects in my parcel which I have chosen, of birds singing, and wind chimes. There is also the constant sound of the lapping waves. No big breakers nearby, unfortunately--they require lots of prims! Next to my circular staircase is a teleport system which can take me instantaneously to the first floor of my house, the rooftop with its hot tub, lounge chairs, sun umbrella and Zen garden, or my swinging hilltop hammock under the pine tree. Or my avatar can walk up the stairs to the 1^st floor and the roof, open the doors on either level, with a click of the mouse and go out. Or I can fly up and around. I can swim or float on my raft, or just lie on my beach. Or I can attend community events with my neighbours. I have a security system which tells any avatar coming onto my private land that it is private and gives them a warning, after which they are ejected to the periphery with a goodbye message.

I have a virtual cat, Mungo, who runs or walks around randomly, meows and purrs, comes when called, will follow me or a visitor, plays with a little ball my avatar can roll around, eats from a re-fillable food dish and scratches on a little scratching post. Mungo has to stay in the house, however, because for some reason, although he is programmed by me to stay on my parcel of land, he has an unfortunate habit of walking into the ocean and being sent back to my lost and found folder as soon as he goes off my property. Poor Mungo! he does have his limitations.

Between my living room and the spiral staircase, there is a large wall aquarium with swimming, wriggling fish and moving air bubbles. It has a background picture that can change to any of about a dozen different scenes at the click of my mouse.

My prized possession in SL is a Second Way brand grand piano, built by a real life pianist as an exact copy of his Real Life piano. My avatar can sit at it using a playing animation while it plays streaming audio files of complete piano works he has recorded. He has dozens of these available for sale. It also has animations for a second avatar to sit next to me on the bench and cuddle while I play, or stand and sing, or lounge on top of the piano, etc. The lid opens and closes, the colour and style of the piano can be changed using a menu system, too.

The last picture I’m putting on here is one of my avatar (Let’s call her Louisa—not her real name or mine. Hahaha!) dancing under the stars at one of the hundreds of places in Second Life designed for that purpose. With her is the avatar of my best friend in SL. We’ll call him, Jim, not his real name--to preserve his anonymity, too. Actuually, since I don’t know his Real Life name and he doesn’t know mine, maybe there actually is a man named Jim behind that avatar! Notice that his legs get lost in my “flexi-skirt”. : ((  SL has a number of annoying glitches… but there are improvements constantly! : )) We laugh hysterically on a regular basis when our avatar skin, hair and clothing textures fail to load and we appear as grey zombies or a little cloud of steam for several minutes… when our hair or articles of clothing fail to teleport with us to some location and we find ourselves appearing without a shoe but having a deformed, high-heel shaped foot, or embarrasingly bald! Heavens! Or when we’re stuck in an animation and can’t stop dancing, horseback riding minus the dematerialised horse, or turning somersaults, for example. We’ve all got funny stories about our virtual silly predicaments.

It’s a fun world, and brings me quite a lot of stimulation and enjoyment. Give it a try if you find it even a little bit intriguing. There is so much good going on there—education, counselling, fund-raising for real world charities, lots of arts and culture, literature, live comedy venues, nature, role-play and fantasy, mysticism and spirituality… as well as, well, admittedly… strip clubs, counter-culture sleaze and virtual violence, and rampant consumerism. You can take yourself out of RL into SL, but we soon discover that you cannot take the RL influences out of SL. We are humans behind these avatars—humans of every kind!

Goodness, Truth, and Beauty to all of you. May you pursue them, moving toward the One who/that is their deepest, fullest, richest, and purest essence. And may you increase their influence all around you wherever you go!

I sign off, now, edging ever nearer to Raisin.  : ))

18 February 2008

Dear Readers,

The article that follows, "Victim or Survivor? A Deeper Look into the Question”, is in six parts. I have revised and considerably expanded it from the previous version that I posted on my blog a few weeks ago. (Previously, the section on Counselling was divided into two parts. I have now combined those into one section, and have reorganized other portions of the article.) I suppose it may expand and change still more in the future, as there is much to say and to write on this subject. I hope that comments and contributions shared by others will help me clarify and improve my writing about experiences of domestic abuse, which so deeply affect us as individuals and as a society.

Information about definitions of abuse, statistics of its occurrence in 'first world' countries and elsewhere, and many books, articles and websites on related topics are widely available. I am not attempting a comprehensive treatment of the subject of domestic abuse; instead, I want to discuss the terms, 'victim' and 'survivor' as they are used and applied in situations of domestic abuse, along with the concepts behind these terms and the attitudes that they represent.

I use the terms 'partner' and 'partners' reluctantly in this article, because I believe that true partnership is a mutually respectful, caring relationship between equals who work together for their common and individual good and happiness. Abuse destroys partnership; true partnership is incompatible with any act of subjugation, denigration, intimidation, or harm by one person toward another. 

However, the term 'partner' is commonly used to indicate one person of a couple of adults living together in an intimate relationship. Because I am generally writing about relationships in which cohabitation is the common factor, but marital status, levels of relationship and stages of commitment vary, I feel that the term 'partner' is really the only applicable designation that works for this article.

I hope that everyone reading this will stop to consider the ugly irony and disgrace of 'partner' abuse, of the terminology we use to speak about it, and of the fact that through much of our common usage (such as calling an abuser a ‘partner') we are actually perpetuating lies about partnership. That is only one facet of the underlying mass of harmful attitudes about this issue, which I hope we will contemplate together and try to resolve.

My article deals with abuse and violence perpetrated by men against their female partners. While I am aware that domestic abuse also occurs between same sex partners, and that there are some cases in which women abuse their male partners, I do not have adequate knowledge of the similarities and distinctions that exist in those situations to write inclusively. Nevertheless, I hope that victims of same sex partner abuse and male victims of abuse by their female partners will benefit from what I have written. I trust that anyone who has been victimised will come to understand the ways in which concepts I write about apply to them and the ways in which they do not apply. Likewise, I do not attempt to discuss the less prevalent situations in which abuse and violence are mutually perpetrated by both partners.

I feel that the points I make in my article are valid; all are based upon my own first hand experience and upon stories I have heard from others in similar situations. To read more about my personal experience of domestic abuse and life afterward, please read my blog article titled, “On Storms, Light, and Finding the Centre”, which was posted on ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­9th January 2008.­ I am publishing this article anonymously to ensure my continued safety.

Because I think victims of domestic abuse are often being advised by counsellors and other professionals who lack a thorough understanding of the issues involved, I hope that I and others who have suffered can begin to be heard. It is not easy to risk disapproval while we are vulnerable, but we must speak out as soon as we have begun to recover—about what kind of help we need, and conversely, about what kind of 'help' is not helpful, even demeaning and harmful to us, in many cases putting us at further risk.

Please take the time to read all six parts of this article, even if you believe that some sections (on Counselling, for example) are not relevant to your situation and needs. You will find that the concepts and situations I discuss do apply to circumstances in which most sufferers of abuse find themselves at one time or another.

I hope this article gives some fresh perspectives on topics that are widely discussed, and particularly on aspects which have received little attention or none at all.

Please, write your thoughtful, well-intentioned comments using the facility provided by livejournal.com. I will not engage in heated arguments and angry debates. We all need to learn respect and kindness as we dialogue on any controversial subject—but on the subject of abuse, nasty and vindictive attitudes toward each other are particularly intolerable, in my opinion. There is far too much healing to be done! That being said, I do deeply value any comment that is intelligent, thoughtful, and respectful toward me and other victims of abuse.

Thank you so much for reading my blog—both the serious, 'heavy' posts I write and the lighter ones. It will mean so much to me if they inspire you or touch you, or cause you to consider something in a new way.

Most of all, thank you for anything and everything you may choose to do to stop abuse in our world.

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I would deeply appreciate your written comments on this article.

Please do not hesitate to leave them here for me. 

Thank you for reading and considering what I write.

http://edgeofraisin.livejournal.com

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I wonder how many other women have been sent to her for assessment and have been treated similarly. How many would question her 'professional' evaluations and methods, or receive the support I was so fortunate to have? How many would dare to face her and confront her about the effects of her words and judgements, at a time of fragility, vulnerability and distress? How many other 'professionals' are behaving this way toward abused people in need?

I am told that the phrase 'victim mentality' is an accepted psychological term. However, I have noticed that it is typically applied in a belittling way that blames someone for causing or prolonging his or her own state of distress. People use it in the same way they call someone a 'masochist' or a 'glutton for punishment'. It goes hand in hand with an attitude that anyone who struggles through a long recovery process must be a weak-willed whiner, probably deriving some kind of sick satisfaction from their own misery, and most certainly trying to get more than their fair share of help and sympathy from others. Assumptions like these, and related attitudes toward domestic abuse, are what I want to write about.

The Perpetrator's Point of View

I have heard a number of perpetrators of domestic violence who tell people their partner simply cannot be taken seriously, that she is exaggerating everything, even making up a lot of it out of her own sick fantasies... because she has a 'victim mentality'. Now, I think it is fair to ask:  Shouldn't we re-examine any professional label or jargon that the abuser can borrow so easily and aptly to justify, excuse and deny his actions? Doesn't use of the phrase, 'victim mentality' shift blame away from the criminal and place it on the person he has assaulted? Is it possible that the same kind of logic a perpetrator uses also lies hidden behind the respected professional's use of that phrase? I asked a friend from the refuge. She replied that she had never heard the term 'victim mentality' spoken in any helpful way whatsoever. Have you?

We all need to improve upon our weaknesses and flaws, to recognise ways in which we have let down others and ourselves, behaviours of ours that have contributed to relationship problems. Honesty and candour about ways in which we need to grow and change are an important part of any therapeutic counselling. However, those matters are completely different from assaults upon a person's mind, emotions and body that occur in domestic abuse and violence.

Before justice can be done, the distinction between relationship difficulties and domestic abuse must be made clear to everyone. For this reason, a number of counselling and psychotherapy organisations strongly discourage any kind of couple counselling if abusive behaviours are in evidence.

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VICTIM OR SURVIVOR?

A Deeper Look into the Question

PART II: When 'Counselling' Facilitates Abuse

Another Platform for the Perpetrator

Domestic violence projects, women's aid organisations, and directors of perpetrator programs strongly recommend against any type of relationship counselling until the abusive partner has satisfactorily completed a perpetrator's program and demonstrated authentic change in both behaviour and attitudes. He must then show he is willing to engage in healthy interactions with his partner. (Although perpetrator programs do help some abusers, their success rate is low because chronic abusers usually lack a strong, continuous desire and determination to change; therefore, perpetrators seldom cease all forms of abuse over the long term.)

Unfortunately, many professionals to whom an abused person may go for help, have not been warned that couple counselling is perilous for the abused partner. Other professionals have heard the warning, but then choose to disregard it and to proceed with attempts to counsel the couple together or in separate individual sessions. I believe this will continue to be a problem as long as domestic abuse is regarded as a relationship issue, rather than intolerable criminal behaviour. Laws alone cannot change societal perception, which is in fact the root of poor professional judgement and malpractice in many cases.

The abuser easily manipulates and exploits a joint counselling session to his malicious advantage, often feeling that he now has an ally in the professional counsellor! His abused partner faces greater danger in this situation: He adds new weapons to his repertoire of torment, twisting the counsellor's words to further demean and blame his partner. He will punish her for revealing his abuse. He will 'report' her mistakes in exaggerated, distorted detail, lying about her to the counsellor to discredit and humiliate her.  A master manipulator, he can easily extend his domination within the 50-minute session by these methods and a variety of distraction and diversion tactics, tantrums, and pretences. He may play along and reward the counsellor by appearing to cooperate, as long as discussions are tailored to his preferences. In that case, the perpetrator can create a triangular dynamic to gain control and credibility; he may succeed in convincing the counsellor that he is the healthy one of the pair, perhaps even that he is actually the victim of abuse by his partner. 

Improper Focus and Faulty Premises

A common pitfall in couple counselling is this: The partner seeking genuine help and change is willing to examine her own part in the dysfunctional relationship, honestly; so she becomes the focus of the counsellor's attention. The abuser is neither likely to want change, nor to admit that his behaviour needs changing. He will criticise his partner, demanding that the counsellor focus on 'her part of the problem', her faults and bad habits, her personality flaws and psychological weaknesses.

The perpetrator accompanying his partner to counselling sessions can comfortably take the position that his agreement to counselling is a gesture of goodwill and generosity toward his worried partner. As far as he is concerned, there is no real problem in the relationship, at least not with him. The counsellor has been trained to validate positive behaviours, and she reasons that his appearance in her office is a step in the right direction. She will see his attendance in sessions as a hopeful sign, and praise his willingness to 'seek help' with his partner, while in fact he is only occupying a chair in the room! His abuse may continue unabated while he attends, because doing so gives his partner and the counsellor hope that his behaviour will eventually improve. Thus, he escapes scrutiny and strengthens his adversarial position.

He will deny his partner's account of incidents, reconstructing events to his own advantage. The counsellor, trained to approach couple therapy in an impartial, non-judgemental manner, maintains an open mind, hearing him out, while the abused person must listen helplessly to his lies, excuses, and historical revisions. Desperate for the counsellor's help, she won't want to risk disapproval and possible loss of this opportunity. Therefore, in addition to worrying about her partner's reprisals at home, she will worry that the counsellor may think her objections are 'out of order', disrespectful of the counsellor's protocol and authority. The more her partner 'acts out' with angry outbursts, refusing to return unless things are done his way, or storming out of the room in 'protest' when she or the counsellor confronts him about his actions, the more the victim will want to show the counsellor her attitude is different from his. She will fear constantly that the counsellor may reject them and then she will be left to deal with the problem alone once again.

If the counsellor chooses to work with them in separate individual sessions for all or part of the time, the abuser may insist on driving his partner to her individual sessions and then remain just outside the room in the waiting area, to escort her home afterward. This sets up a repressive environment and dramatically increases his partner’s inhibitions about confiding in the counsellor. The abusive partner is likely to pump his victim for details of what was said in her individual sessions and punish her if she does not comply. He is likely to give his partner false reports of what the counsellor has said to him in his individual sessions. For example, he may tell her the counsellor confided to him that she thinks his partner is suffering from a serious personality disorder/mental illness. He can easily fabricate or misquote the counsellor’s statements and questions to persuade his victim that the counsellor believes his partner treats him unfairly. He can convince his partner he is telling her these things to 'clue her in' on the counsellor's real assessment of their situation. She cannot easily question the counsellor about his report—after all, the counsellor has probably cautioned them not to discuss the content of their separate sessions with each other, so checking on the truth of his reports would reveal to the counsellor that she has 'broken the rules'. If she does ask, the abusive partner will deny everything he has said, to make her appear foolish, manipulative, or paranoid and delusional.

No counsellor wants to experience the frustration of a failed therapeutic session. This works to the perpetrator's advantage, as the counsellor can only work with a person who cooperates. Thus, many sessions may be spent discussing the victim's personality and problems, while no mention is made of the perpetrator's misconduct and dominating mentality.

If he does reluctantly consent to discuss his own behaviour, the counsellor will be encouraged by this development. In a misguided effort to be fair, she may indulge him, encouraging him to vent his anger 'safely and appropriately' during the joint session, to talk about the 'reasons' and feelings that 'cause' him to treat his partner abusively. The abused woman will cringe as she realises the counsellor has just given him another platform from which to abuse her... with the counsellor as an approving audience. Since he insists that he abuses her because she makes him angry and mistreats him, or because she doesn’t do what he thinks she ought to do, he will launch into a familiar diatribe, citing all of  these ‘reasons’, just as he does with her at home.

 Non-Confrontational Approaches are Inappropriate for Abuse

Counsellors using traditional methods are unlikely to confront lies, manipulations, and intentional deceptions. Their approach is usually one of gentleness and validation.  A counsellor may advise the abused partner to praise her abuser's good and loving behaviours, providing him with 'positive reinforcement' when he is not being abusive, while just ignoring any 'negative behaviours' (i.e. abuse). Ignoring the perpetrator's objectionable behaviours gives tacit agreement and encourages him to increase his power plays. A victim of abuse often cannot respond in a confrontational way without increasing the risks to herself; but the counsellor who tells her to ignore abuse and reward good behaviour instead, compromises the victim’s integrity by taking this approach, and by failing to confront the abuser on her behalf. It is never acceptable to deliberately ignore or excuse abuse toward others.

A counsellor may urge the victim to "consider her partner's point of view," to validate his feelings and to "be more respectful toward him". The counsellor may foolishly believe that polite and cooperative behaviour toward the perpetrator at all times will demonstrate civility and persuade him to do likewise. Perpetrators are not ignorant about rules of conduct in society; they disregard them with those they want to overpower and control. Most are selective about the persons they treat with respect, according to the advantage it will gain for them. They choose to subjugate their partners. It is no help at all to treat the problem as a case of bad manners!

Respect must be earned. It is ridiculous and contradictory to show respect for disrespectful, dishonest, inappropriate behaviour, attitudes, and statements. Asking an abused person to treat her abuser's lies, misrepresentations and manipulation with respect, reinforces his assumption of dominance and authority over her. In fact, both abuser and victim will probably interpret this as validation of his chauvinistic, controlling attitudes.

This is NOT an appropriate occasion to instruct clients that differing 'perceptions' of any event must be considered. Calling a perpetrator's lies and false accounts of events, 'another perspective' or 'a different perception' communicates acceptance. The counsellor who speaks this way is telling him and his partner that his lies and misrepresentations are valid.

Likewise, it is unconscionable for a counsellor to state, in the presence of a chauvinistic abuser, that everyone is entitled to assert his point of view and to live by his beliefs. The perpetrator has already demonstrated that 'living by his beliefs' means dominating and maybe battering his partner, and that 'asserting his point of view' means verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusing her, with accusations, blame, interrogations and verbal assaults.

Inappropriate Use of Mediation Techniques

Counsellors sometimes urge the victim to “be more understanding” toward the perpetrator, to make compromises with him since he is her partner. 'Mediation techniques' communicate tolerance of the perpetrator's inappropriate expectations and domination.  As soon as the counsellor introduces or allows the perpetrator to take this approach, he will use it to manipulate and control his partner. He and the counsellor together will urge her to demonstrate good faith and cooperation by 'meeting him halfway' even when he makes unfair, demeaning, or excessive demands. If she has separated from him or refused sexual intimacy because of his abuse, she may be encouraged to reconcile or resume intimate relations.

One man who had committed acts of mental, emotional, and physical abuse against his partner and had forced sex upon her during an abusive incident, complained to the counsellor in a couple session that he was being treated unfairly.  Although his partner had been sexually responsive toward him before the sexual abuse occurred, she now felt unsafe and fearful. She had insisted that he sleep in another bedroom. During their session, the woman described the abusive incidents and the perpetrator admitted that her accounts were accurate, but he flatly refused to discuss it any further.

He told the counsellor that he had apologised, and his partner ought to ‘get over it’. He continued with all aspects of his abuse, and demonstrated no tenderness toward her. He pressured her constantly, berating her for withdrawing what he considered his conjugal rights. She often had to lock the bedroom door to prevent him from coming back into her bed and making sexual advances. In fact, he was threatening that if she continued to resist him, he would force himself on her again!

The counsellor misapplied psychological principles she had learned, by stating to both of them, "The person who says 'no' has the power in the relationship." The perpetrator was pleased at this development, which signalled to him that the counsellor believed his partner was withholding sex in order to control him.  She urged the woman to resume some physical displays of affection toward him “at least”, as a demonstration of her love, support and encouragement. The counsellor implied that the woman’s continued refusal of sex would create greater disharmony and distance between them and would make reconciliation impossible. She neither spoke to the man about his abusive demands, nor about his aggressive approach toward sex, nor about his assumption of entitlement to his partner’s body and to her sexuality.

By handling the problem this way, the counsellor pressured the woman to compromise her own self-respect and encouraged her to ignore her intuition and her common sense. When the woman reluctantly agreed to give him another chance, engaging in sexual relations before the issues of sexual abuse had been properly addressed and resolved, he began abusing her again. 

Sexual abuse and marital rape are devastating betrayals of trust, which destroy intimacy and turn a former mutual pleasure into domination and torment for the partner. The abuser treats his victim not as his lover, but as an object, when he robs her of her right to consent and to engage as an equal. A woman, who says NO to a man after she has been abused, is asserting her right to control her own body and to use it in a way that feels healthy to her. Within a committed relationship, sex must not be treated like a mere commodity. Respectful sexual relations between partners are a mutual expression of desire and love. No one is entitled to 'conjugal relations' on demand.

It is not enough to discuss abusive incidents, obtaining apologies and promises from the abuser. Until he agrees to a new code of conduct and demonstrates healthy attitudes toward intimate partnership with respectful, consensual relations as equals, an ongoing sexual relationship will reinforce his hurtful treatment of his partner and discount her needs.

Perpetrators demonstrate little or no regard for their partners’ personal boundaries. When the abused woman asserts and defines her boundaries, she risks further abuse. If the counsellor asks or requires her to compromise these boundaries, she makes the woman more vulnerable, and destroys the foundation for therapeutic interaction.

The counsellor's choice of language in countering abusive statements and patterns speaks volumes to both parties in the relationship! In one televised session with an overbearing, controlling man and his intimidated spouse, the counsellor told the abuser, "You need to allow her to go out and enjoy herself sometimes." Use of the word 'allow' subtly implies that one partner has the right to control or object to the other's choice of independent, separate activities. This is how a parent treats a child; it has absolutely no place in a partnership of adults. A marriage licence or agreement to cohabitate is not an abolishment of individual autonomy, personal boundaries, and human rights!

Focus on the Victim Leads to Distortion

With those scenarios in mind, I want to discuss similar pitfalls that exist when an abused woman seeks individual help without her partner's involvement. The counsellor obviously has no direct access to the perpetrator, no first-hand knowledge of his 'point of view' and actions. She cannot know or examine his attitudes and behaviours, and she usually has no evidence or third-party account of events. She also has no knowledge of her client's state of mind or healthy functionality before the abuse began; she is presented with the battered psyche and self-doubt that result from victimisation. In such a vulnerable position, with her self-esteem and confidence at its lowest, the victim is often put through months of professional examination into every aspect of her own mental, emotional, family and relational history.

There is ample material to sort through in anyone's life, enough turmoil in an 'average' or 'healthy' person's interior reality to discuss and 'work on' for a lifetime. How many more 'issues' the traumatised individual presents when she seeks professional help! The counsellor/therapist will surely find numerous delicate and painful areas of her psyche to explore.

In most cases, the abused woman will readily agree to any suggestion or explanation offered by her therapist, especially if she believes that doing so might ease her distress. She may demonstrate confusion and impaired mental functions in general, which typically result from abuse. However, working solely with her, the counsellor can lose sight of the distinctions between cause and effect, and of the dynamics of abuse. The counsellor naturally wonders whether her client has always been this way. 

Considering these factors, it seems a small step for the counsellor/therapist to reach a conclusion that her client has deep psychological flaws, which have contributed to her abuse or at least prevented her from escaping it or 'defending herself'. It is just another small step to conclude that, in fact, maybe she caused the abuse or invited it. It is a further small step, perhaps, to conclude that the client has misrepresented facts and details of abusive incidents, of other interactions with her abuser, and of her own motivations. Can she even be believed? Maybe she is delusional. Maybe she is the 'sick' one. After all, she does seem to be a mental and emotional wreck!  Maybe abuse had little or nothing to do with it. Now, the perpetrator's objective has been achieved. His influence has prevailed even in absentia, with the counsellor/therapist unwittingly acting as his surrogate.

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VICTIM OR SURVIVOR?

A Deeper Look into the Question

PART III

Marital War or Terrorist Activity?

The general public see domestic abuse as an indication of family and social patterning in which shouting, name-calling, and physical fighting are common, permissible choices. We associate these behaviours with lower classes—with lack of education, poverty, alcohol and drug abuse, with weapons in the home and neighbourhood. In fact, domestic abuse occurs within all social and cultural groups. The 'upper classes' can more easily keep it concealed, unless they live in the limelight of media attention. Sensational talk shows parade stereotypical examples across our television screens. (Dignified, well-spoken victims of abuse, if they agreed to have their stories presented in a public broadcast, would not make such exciting viewing. They may be more aware of the social stigma of domestic abuse, and so avoid publicity, which could only make life more difficult for them.)

In the popular press and media, we often hear of tumultuous, vitriolic disputes between celebrity partners. This adds to the misconception that outrageous or violent behaviour in a relationship is just a symptom of two dominant, volatile personalities who cannot get along with each other. More often in an abusive domestic relationship, one person is bullying and dominating the other. Recently I was shocked to hear one talk show host, whom I had considered sensible and enlightened, say to a woman, "But you are telling me that you are violent to him also! You both give as good as you get!" A statement like that oversimplifies and distorts the issues of partner abuse. It reinforces the stereotype.

How easy is it to separate self-defence from mutual combat? Issues and questions to consider involve the sequence of events, the balance of power, and the exercise of normal human reactions on the part of the victim. When a victim of abuse, violence or terrorism reacts by expressing anger and indignation, even seeking to retaliate or get revenge, does her reactive behaviour then cancel out the perpetrator's crime, changing the situation to one of mutual domestic combat? Is it now 'a row' instead of a criminal act? Because abusive situations escalate over time, with perpetrators repeating their patterns over weeks, months, and years of easy access to their victims, we cannot easily determine the facts from outside.

Difficult Distinctions and Normal Reactions

Care must be taken to examine the roots and origins of violent behaviour in a relationship. However, stopping and preventing abuse is the urgent priority! It must not be delayed while we consider and weigh the factors involved. As in the couple-counselling dynamic, irresponsible statements by media personalities can only contribute to continuing cycles of abuse.

It may not be easy to distinguish mutual aggression between equal participants from abuse perpetrated by one upon the other. And for that very reason, it is imperative that observers and professionals do not draw premature conclusions—not even based upon the abused woman's own accounts. After she is counselled and helped to escape to safety, there will be ample time to determine whether she indeed has behaved inappropriately toward her partner. Until such determination is made, it is wisest to assume that she needs protection and understanding.

Few people have been informed adequately about what constitutes abuse, about the legal definitions of domestic violence, about what their rights and responsibilities are in domestic relationships, and about what their partners’ rights and responsibilities toward them are. These matters are neither included in school curricula nor a typical part of the practical skills we learn from our parents.

We usually choose partners whose belief systems and conduct are similar to ours, and whose company we enjoy. Therefore, independent, successful, educated individuals and less-fortunate people alike, enter romantic relationships trusting that their chosen partner will behave respectfully and lovingly toward them. I am amazed to hear intelligent people say that a perpetrator must have shown signs of disrespect and brutality before marriage or cohabitation. They suspect that his partner overlooked or accepted these behaviours because "love is blind", or because she thought she could change him. Don't we realise that people can keep their dominating attitudes in abeyance while courting, and through the early stages of commitment?

If others saw signs of normal difficulties between the couple before they began cohabitating, they will cite these as 'obvious' indications of abuse to come, and 'proof' that the woman made a foolish choice to trust and commit to her partner. If he was charming, extraordinarily kind and considerate toward the woman during their early days, people will say, "He seemed too good to be true; he was obviously hiding something! Nobody can be that perfect!" Either way, the woman will be blamed for trusting him and making herself available to be abused. Who has established what constitutes a normal amount of (or lack of) difficulty between lovers before they commit to one another? These judgements are made by critics of the victim, in hindsight, after difficulties have developed into abuse and the woman has recognised that she is being victimised. They only make things worse for her.

Men realise that intelligent, confident women are likely to reject them if they behave abusively during courtship. The perpetrator is more likely to begin abusing his partner after financial pressures and responsibilities, loss of separate housing, pregnancy, childbirth, and other domestic factors have compromised her independence and reduced her options. The abusive person counts on his partner's commitment, as well as her need for safety, security, social respect, and family cohesion. The more she stands to lose, the less likely she is to leave him.

We are taught that compromise is a necessary part of adult relationships. A manipulative person can convince his partner that she is wrong or mistaken about what is happening and about what ought to happen, especially when she is exhausted from dealing with his unreasonable behaviour. The more cooperative and congenial she is by nature, the more likely she is to adapt to his terms and conditions, trying still harder to please him as he becomes more demanding and unreasonable. If she is the one at risk of losing her home and other necessities of life, she will be the one desperately seeking approval, trying to smooth over the rough places in their interactions, trying to put abusive incidents aside, attempting to discuss things with him rationally and to create harmony in their home.

Let us suppose for a moment that critics and analysts of the situation are right... that the woman recognised that her partner was a bully, a chauvinist, a bad risk in every way! Let us suppose that she was one of those women whose partner began abusing her before she committed to him, and also that she had ample opportunities to end the relationship and avoid being battered by him... Let us assume that she was aware of all this and, because of stupidity or character weakness, she put herself at risk anyway, knowing full well that she would be abused... Does that mean she 'got what she deserved' or that she has no right to our compassion and help thereafter? 

Do her critics want to be judged and punished similarly for their faulty decisions, bad choices and stupid mistakes? Is a foolish choice or bad judgement a crime? When you make a big mistake in judgement, do you deserve to be abused? Do we really want to live in an environment where abuse is equated with punishment? Where it is condoned, excused or justified as a fitting consequence of our faults or weaknesses?

After an abused woman leaves her partner, she will be able to see things more clearly—in retrospect, as we all do. She will then become angry and indignant about the way her loyalty, commitment and efforts at reconciliation have been exploited. She may well feel outraged to have lost the security and material things that accompanied her former life. Although physical and mental safety is priceless, no one expects to 'pay' for their personal safety, a right supposedly guaranteed to all people in our 'free society'! Anyone who has come through an abusive situation has a right, indeed a need to express her legitimate anger and grief over her losses and over the pain and injustice that were perpetrated upon her.

Allowing Time for Grief and Anger

What is a permissible time limit for feeling angry or heartsick about abuse we have suffered? About having our human rights trampled underfoot and the necessities of life snatched away from us? How long is 'long enough' to grieve? I've read heart-rending pleas for understanding from people who work with the bereaved. They tell us that a person cannot be expected just to get over the death of a loved one within a certain period that is deemed normal by others. "It takes as long as it takes", I hear them say. In fact, we have all probably read that parents who endure the death of a child never fully recover from their grief.

A person who has been severely abused is equally in need. She must receive personal acknowledgement from others, recognition of the depth of her pain and loss, and permission to allow her grieving process to run its course. That kind of understanding and responsiveness demonstrates a healthy regard for nature's way, respecting the individual's innate ability to heal itself. We still seem to need reminding that the most devastating abuse may not be inflicted by physical violence. Brutally battered people often count their physical injuries as minor ones when compared with the damage that was done to their minds, hearts, and souls.

I am hoping that my blog will provide some encouragement and support for other women, wherever they may be in the stages of trauma and recovery.

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VICTIM OR SURVIVOR?

A Deeper Look into the Question

PART IV

The Role of 'Survivor Stories' in Recovery

We must develop our belief in the strength and capacity of the human spirit, as we try to overcome traumatic experiences—to endure whatever we must face, even transcend it and move on to victory. Faith in our inner strength is a crucial factor for success in conquering our fears. I am deeply grateful to people in my life who have shared their insights about happiness and about the whole issue of triumph in adversity. Indeed one must neither continually focus on negative things, nor wallow in misery and self-pity. I think it is important to emphasise all of these concepts, particularly in the later phases of recovery.

Nevertheless, too often people fail to comprehend that we can compassionately allow our grief and pain, our horror and deep distress over being victimised. We can recognise them as valuable, legitimate emotions, while also trying to look beyond them and regain hope for the weeks, months, and years ahead.

When I used to read 'survivor' accounts in the midst of my most difficult times, it often seemed impossible that my story could end as happily as theirs. I still think there is a danger of over-emphasising heroic stories of people who not only came through a disaster, but also managed to do remarkable and amazing things with their lives afterward. I honestly do not believe a spectacular recovery is possible for everyone.

I think we need to admit that many will never make a great and wonderful transition out of trauma and build a much better life for themselves, even if they have the determination and positive attitudes of saints. What about the paralysed or severely disfigured victim of a knife attack, a near fatal shooting, or a brutal beating? What about the person who has sustained a severe mental disability from years of deprivation and brainwashing? These people will struggle on afterward, but find their capacity so diminished that every day may be a painful trial. What about those whose resistance and immunity have been so worn down and their energy so depleted, that normal functions and responsibilities are simply too much to handle? What about the thousands plagued by resultant emotional and mental illness that go untreated because they are terrified, reclusive, and friendless, or because they simply don't have access to proper medical care?

In the case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, for example, even many war veterans who require therapy for this condition are not being treated, due to shortages in government funding and a shortage of therapists trained in the specialised treatment modalities that have proven successful with this complex condition. Countless survivors of abuse struggle with this illness alone, and a large proportion of them are never diagnosed.

Let's Be Honest about What it Takes

Many tales of triumph we read are about people who had the full backing of friends and relatives, and maybe a wider community behind them, as well. Thousands of others fail to thrive and overcome because they have not been so blessed. How many abuse victims have lost the few friends and relatives who once would have supported them, because the abuser managed to so interfere and restrict their contact with others that friendships died away; or because he convinced others that the victim was, herself, at fault? How many survivors are cut off from the support of family and friends because they must flee to a distant place and assume a new identity in a community of strangers?

Do we consider the difficulties a woman must face when she flees far from home and takes a new name? How will she determine which of her former friends and relatives she can trust to keep her confidence when her former partner may be actively searching for her and pumping everyone for information? How will she present herself for employment without work history and references, which would be in a different name, and which, when contact is made could compromise her security?

How will she handle the awkward introductions and encounters she will have with workmates and other people in her new community? The simplest friendly encounter with a stranger begins with something like this: "You're new here, aren't you? Where are you from? What brought you to move here?” and normally continues with questions about her home, marital status, family, and her background. She will wonder whom she can trust, how many lies she should tell to her new neighbours, and how she can possibly keep it all straight with them. She may appear unfriendly or secretive, which will not make a favourable impression.

If she is staying in a refuge, she will not be able to reveal its location, and she will be reluctant to say what kind of accommodation she has, knowing the stigma that others attach to women in this situation. She won't be able to give out her address or her ‘home phone number’ to others. She can’t invite a new friend and workmate round for coffee or reciprocate their invitations. She can't accept any offers to pick her up or drive her home, without inventing some excuse for them to meet at a different location. It is difficult to handle all of these issues and the emotional highs and lows of her recovery process, at the same time. She will be alone and isolated.  How will she integrate into her new community when her trust, self-confidence, and self-respect have been shattered?

As difficult as it is for an adult trying to adapt, it is more painful and unfair for her children to have to cope with these problems and social handicaps in addition to being displaced and traumatised. They will not be allowed to invite their new friends over to play, and will face the same social pressures their mother faces, but without the option to retreat from others, because they must attend school. It will be extraordinarily difficult for them to remember which details they must not mention, and to maintain their new identities at all times. If they have court-ordered visits with the perpetrator, he will often attempt to take advantage of this, manipulating them to gain information.

A network of supportive, understanding people—with considerable resources to share and a generous spirit玆is absolutely necessary for anyone in times of loss and trouble. I have never heard of any woman who overcame abuse and built a happy new life all by herself. What do we do with (and to) the woman who fails to achieve a 'happy ending'? Do we shame her for that failure, if not also for being in an abusive relationship to begin with?

Now, going back to the effect of hearing survivor stories: Sometimes, instead of being inspired by them, I felt more discouraged that my prospects and opportunities seemed so limited, and my progress so slow. Often, reading them only increased the pressure I felt to 'just get over it', to somehow physically pick myself up and stagger onward, ignoring the pain. This is not a healthy way forward. We know that a broken bone must heal; a wound must be bandaged and protected from further strain and abrasion. Likewise, wounded psyches and spirits must be nursed patiently and gently. When they are validated and handled with care, they will then move through the phases of trauma, grief, and inertia in the recovery process. Eventually, they will rekindle normal desires for happiness and activity that precede a return to health.

Too often, when we encounter misery in people around us, we want to quickly bypass the harrowing and mournful periods they experience. Stoicism and denial just prolong our ill health. They attempt to minimise the seriousness of the abuse an individual has suffered, and its significance to us all as fellow human beings. Instead of accepting these necessary stages in their process, we try to talk them into a ‘survivor’ mentality. Doing that deprives them of their right to be where they are and to feel

what they feel.

‘Victim or Survivor?’ More than an Insult

That is very much the way an abuser treats his victim. He makes life a living hell, then berates and punishes her all the more for experiencing and expressing absolutely normal reactions of shock, fear, anger, depression, defeat, hopelessness, and intimidation. At a time when she is most compromised by the exhaustion, confusion and illness that accompany those emotions, he preys upon her by telling her she is crazy and has imagined or misunderstood what is happening. More outrageously and despicably still, he may say he is trying to help her; he may insist that he does these things because he loves her so much!

The victim’s panicked responses and trauma will certainly increase and worsen if she is repressed, forbidden, threatened and punished for expressing normal emotions. The abuser knows this; he tastes blood and moves in to inflict more damage. He will tell her she is just a simpering wimp, a big baby. He will threaten her: “I’ll give you something to cry about!” Often he will accuse her of merely exaggerating or pretending to be ill and upset in order to get attention. He will tell her it is her own fault she has problems; saying she is hypersensitive and has a persecution complex! Is that not just another term for ‘victim mentality’?

This is what happened to me, and what appears repeatedly in stories of other women. The abuser gleefully blames his victim and rubs salt in her wounds, justifying his behaviour all the while. He seeks the thrill of conquest, thrives on upheaval and chaos, and relishes each ‘victory’, deriving pleasure from witnessing her pain and distress. As he gains momentum and confidence, he will exert still more power and control, becoming more violent. The stakes become higher and the risks greater for his victim as cycles of abuse escalate. Then, and forever afterward, friends and people in ‘caring professions’ will add to her misery and her feelings of shame, by asking, “Why didn’t’t you just leave?” “How could you allow him to treat you like that?”

‘Calling It As It Is’ Helps Us Heal With Dignity

So, there is a time when a woman wants—even desperately NEEDS most of all—to hear that she has been victimised. And that time may last for quite awhile, until she believes those words are true, not just in her own experience but also in the minds of those who will bear witness to her story and her reality. Telling her she was a victim of cruelty conveys to her that someone believes exactly what she says about what has been done to her. It assures her that someone understands the horror of it, and does not hold her responsible in any way for the abuse she has suffered!

She needs to be assured (because so many people will deny her this dignity) that she was not simply an equal partner in mutual domestic combat, but that she was actually preyed upon, harassed, bullied and tormented, through no fault of her own. And that those acts are criminal offences. She longs for a world in which such things are not tolerated! How often she has wished someone would stand up for her, step between her and the abuser and stop him in his tracks! The more beaten down she becomes, the more she desperately hopes someone will offer her a way out of the situation she cannot escape by herself!

Of course, such a safe world does not exist. Of course, in adulthood we must face the ugliness and injustice of life. We cannot remain naive children. But surely, it is normal for all of us to nurture and express a desire for help in our distress. Don’t most of us generally expect to be treated fairly by legal and moral authorities, as well as by our family, friends, and larger community? When a woman is told to grow up and face the facts that life is not fair, she naturally feels belittled and discounted!

We understand the need to tell victims of child abuse and rape that they did nothing to deserve those assaults. We provide them with victim support groups to help them express their feelings and begin to heal as they share their stories with each other. We don’t even bat an eye when someone talks about a victim of armed robbery, or mugging, or a terrorist attack. We honour and decorate fire fighters, police officers, emergency medical teams, war heroes who have liberated people from political tyranny, and brave individuals who step into danger to save others during a robbery or hijacking incident.

We don’t waste time and energy debating about whether the victims of those incidents are in some way to blame for failing to avoid the situation. We don't subject them to interrogation about whether they could have run away, fought back, or armed themselves in advance! We don’t respond to their anguish with “C’est la vie! Life is rough, get used to it!” We don’t question them in detail about whether there were signs of trouble they failed to recognise or warnings they did not heed. We don’t tell them they need to exercise better judgement, or question their characters. And we certainly don’t blame them for being in harm’s way!

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VICTIM OR SURVIVOR?

A Deeper Look into the Question

PART V

The Taboo of Acknowledging Victimisation

Somehow, 'victim' has become a dirty word to many people when they are discussing partner abuse and domestic violence. Because of this, we stigmatise women who flee from abuse and try to come to terms with their ambivalence and regrets over the loss of home, possessions, and respectability in their communities. Understandably, they react to critical and blaming attitudes by retreating still further within themselves. They will often stop talking about what has happened and stop seeking help.  They may struggle with the continuing effects of trauma and displacement for years, in lonely isolation. 

More tragically, women still considering whether to leave, or how to do so safely, often do not report abuse or ask for help. It is not only fear of the abuser's wrath that makes a woman withdraw assault charges after a violent incident. It is also the certain knowledge that at least some of the people she needs will fail to support and fully protect her. She accurately perceives that they are just as likely to blame, criticise or disbelieve her, as they are to offer help or corroborate her testimony. Sometimes it becomes easier to resign ourselves to the situation or to believe we deserve to be abused, rather than to face the heartlessness of people around us.

When a woman flees during a violent incident, or musters the courage to tell someone about her partner's threats and assaults, she is likely to hear the question, "What did you do to provoke him?" People who want to be more 'polite' may ask, "What do you think made him do that?" or "Why would he do that?" or "Why would he act that way?" These questions all usually imply the same thing. Asking an abused woman to account for her partner's violence, or to take responsibility for it, is as insensitive as asking the victim of a vicious rape what she did to make her assailant think she wanted to have sex with him.

violence does not have a direct cause and effect connection that the victim can reasonably predict, anticipate, understand, explain, or provoke. In any case, the target of abuse does not owe anyone an explanation; she needs help for her injuries and protection from further harm. The person who asks an abused woman to explain the assault, treats her as they might treat a child who has been bitten by a friendly pet, "What did you do to provoke that dog to bite you? Did you hit him with a stick or throw a rock at him?"

A human perpetrator is responsible for his actions, though he rarely accepts responsibility. Life is full of events and interactions about which we may become upset, irritated, or angry. As adults, we are required to make wise choices about how to express those emotions, and our aggressive acts toward others are punishable by law. If a man becomes enraged because his neighbour has parked blocking his driveway, for example, and reacts by throwing a brick through the neighbour’s window or by assaulting the neighbour, we do not imply that the neighbour is to blame for causing the vandalism or the assault! It is clear to everyone in this situation, that the person who acted violently has broken the law, irrespective of his neighbour's negligence, habits, lack of consideration, or 'provocation'. Abusers mistreat their partners habitually, and the woman usually has done little or nothing wrong or objectionable at all, certainly nothing to deserve punishment. No one deserves to be abused, regardless of her actions.

Chronically abused women live with constant stress and upheaval. The typical victim of domestic violence spends most of her time trying to appease her partner, trying to anticipate his moods and reactions in order to avoid any kind of conflict with him. He has most likely told her many times that he is violent because of what she does or does not do. If a trusted confidante says the same thing, she may strengthen her resolve to try even harder. When this happened to me repeatedly, I reasoned that others must be right.

People questioned me each time I asked for help. They seemed to believe that I wasn't telling them the whole story. I began to think that maybe they could see something irritating, obnoxious and unlovable about me that could make my partner want to harm and threaten me. They knew him as a mature, personable and respectable professional. The abuse I described was 'out of character' for him, as far as they could tell.  I had no reasonable explanation for the violence, no answer to their persistent question, "What made him do that?" Eventually, I started to agree with them: I must be causing it, somehow. Something about me must be truly abominable to have brought on his extreme antagonism toward me. In fact, by his actions, it seemed clear that he was out to destroy me, body and soul! Was he profoundly offended by something I said, or my tone of voice? Something I did, or the way I did it? Was it because I could not offer him something essential that everyone else does naturally, something that I had somehow failed to do? Did I have a disgusting habit I could not observe in myself? Maybe it was something about who and how I was... my very personality!

It seemed my only option was to 'discover' what that provocative thing was. I returned home after many violent incidents and discussions with others I thought I could trust, feeling humiliated, confused and ashamed. Each time I went back to him, I was terrified that he would become violent again, yet determined to somehow make sure I did nothing at all to 'cause' him to be unhappy, disappointed, frustrated or angry with me. I scrutinised my every word, my every action, response, and lack of response. I tried to evaluate every possible way of handling his temper fits, his threats, his unpredictable moods and preferences, his suspicions, jealousy, accusations and impossible demands. I did my very best to always use a gentle, respectful tone of voice and to explain things carefully to him so he might clearly understand my intentions and thoughts. I asked dozens of times a day what he wanted or needed or preferred about every little thing. (This infuriated him, because he said I ought to 'just know' what he wanted or what I am supposed to do.) But his preferences and expectations changed unpredictably and illogically. I would often be abused one day for the same thing he said he wanted me to do the previous day. So, I watched him more and more carefully and mentally replayed every word he said to me, trying to read his mind, to imagine or anticipate his every whim and desire. I vowed to myself that I would be on the alert day and night, in future. "I am a smart person", I told myself. "Surely, I can work this out".

A woman who is turned away when she asks others for help, who is told as I was, that she must be provoking her own abuse, will most likely react exactly as I did, thinking, "This is my problem. It must be my fault. I have to do better. I will get through this and try to make it work with him even if it kills me!" When that is exactly what happens, the shame and guilt lie not only with her murderer, but also with those who have blamed and questioned her, telling her to go back home and stop 'provoking' her own abuse!

A recent television programme showed an interview between a woman and a clergyman. She was discussing her fear of returning to her abusive husband. She said she had suffered so greatly in the marriage that on one occasion she tried to commit suicide by slitting her wrists. She felt that if her husband really loved her, this act— for which she now felt extreme remorse—surely would have made him understand the depth of pain he was causing her. She told the clergy person she was convinced he would continue abusing her if she returned. The religious authority remonstrated with her about the sinfulness of her suicide attempt. He said that if she could be forgiven for such a sin, then surely she should forgive her husband.

There is a chilling regularity to the faulty logic employed by religious leaders when they confront risky domestic situations. Perhaps the flaws in this man's 'counsel' to the abused woman are obvious. However, I want to state my objections clearly: Equating the 'sin' of a distressed woman's self-harm on one occasion, with her husband's habitual and continuous maltreatment not toward himself, but toward her,  is a horrible  abuse of 'reason' and probably a distortion of religious tenets. Caution and common sense seem to go out the window when religious authorities apply their dogma to persuade women to remain in abusive marriages. Would we be unreasonable to think that exerting spiritual authority over another person, persuading them to return to a harmful situation, may be tantamount to endangerment in some cases?

Who Will Be Accountable for Continuing Abuse?

Is a trusted spiritual leader not bound by an obligation to protect those in his care? Is he not morally obliged to intervene, perhaps confronting the perpetrator of abuse or helping the victim seek alternatives, even police protection, if it is needed? Religious and moral authority figures have a duty to speak out publicly on the subject of domestic abuse, condemning criminal and hurtful acts. They are certainly in a position to know how prevalent domestic abuse is among those in their care, because people turn to them for confidential help and advice. Yet, how many sermons do they preach in which they boldly condemn spousal abuse and domestic violence? I have not heard of a single one!

What are the consequences for a woman who defies instruction from an authority figure in her community? How will her family members cope with the contradictions between their love and care for a daughter, sister, or mother, and the respect and reverence they feel for their leader? Conversely, how will a woman rebuild her life if she chooses to disregard the advice of authority figures, leaving her spouse in order to care for herself and her children, to save their lives?  Isn't it clear to us how impossible this dilemma becomes for her? She will be rebuked for her lack of 'self-respect' if she stays; and for disregarding authority, even for 'defying God's law', if she leaves. People outside her faith community, where we purport to care for her human rights, will scoff at her weakness, implying that by considering or following the advice of repressive religious leaders, she has contributed to her own abuse and endangered her children. Her children could be taken into care by civil authorities if they determine that she has put them at risk.

People believe that authoritarian advice and pressure from religious leaders only occur in strict 'fundamentalist' religious sects, those in which women are generally repressed.  I can state with certainty that male clergy and counsellors in liberal, mainstream religious denominations, as well as some misguided female clergy and counsellors, often give similar advice to women in their pastoral care. The larger governing bodies of many denominations have published guidelines and educational reports about proper responses to domestic abuse. However, these are very recent developments, which often go unnoticed. Documents will do little to protect people from abuse and manipulation.  Adequate measures are not taken to insure that those in responsible positions are properly trained and cautioned; it appears that little is done to protect vulnerable persons seeking help. No truly widespread campaigns seem to be underway to remedy the ignorance and injustice that persist.

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VICTIM OR SURVIVOR? A Deeper Look into the Question

PART VI

Walk a Mile in Her Shoes

Professionals and lay people alike often seem unaware of how hard an abused woman has tried to work things out and to make the best decisions she could make—decisions that can cost her everything she holds dear. Leaving an abusive partner may put her and her children, maybe also her friends and relatives, in far greater danger than they were in while she lived with the perpetrator!

Abusers usually threaten to physically harm or kill their partners when they try to leave. We hear frequent reports of women being stalked, beaten up, knifed, or shot by their former partners. They threaten to take the children away, to harm or kill them. One woman tried to stop her partner from physically abusing Sean, her child from a previous relationship. She told her partner that she would call the police if he ever hit Sean again. He replied, "If you call the police on me, you'll never see Jamie (the baby they had together) again."  Threats like this are usual in situations of abuse, and they are often carried out. Vindictive former partners sometimes kidnap their children from school or play, or remove them from the country without their mothers’ consent.

Abusive men often torment relatives, friends, and co-workers of their former partner. They can cause such disturbance and disruption at her workplace that she loses her job. They threaten or assault anyone who gives their former partner a place to stay or who knows her whereabouts. And they will terrorise any new partner she takes in the future, because they see her as their own possession, an item of property to which they feel entitled.

Statistics show that women who leave their abusers are at a far greater risk of being killed by them, than those who stay. Despite these widespread dangers and well-publicised statistics, people express disbelief, frustration, exasperation, and even disgust at an abused woman's reluctance to 'just leave'. Professionals continue glibly to tell abused women, "You have to get yourself and your kids out of there before something worse happens!" They boldly promise her that she will receive assistance from government agencies and charities, and then leave her to fend for herself when charities are overburdened, when agencies, police and the court system fail to function as they should.

One report on domestic abuse raised several thought-provoking questions that we might use to counter anyone who carries on with blame and questions like, "Why didn't you just leave?" "How could you let someone treat you that way?" or, as some callously assert, "A woman who returns to an abusive man deserves what she gets!" I have paraphrased them here:

What other crime do we deal with by first expecting the victim of the crime to escape from the criminal, or by actually waiting until she escapes to offer her some assistance?

In what other situation of criminal conduct do we expect or compel the victim to abandon her home, occupation, possessions, and family, even at a time when that victim is in deepest distress and most in need of security, comfort, peace, and stability; while allowing the criminal to remain securely housed, fed, clothed, and employed within his community?


We must also raise questions about our treatment of victims' mental and emotional needs, and the reasons we fail to support them in escaping to safety. Let us begin with these:

In what other situation do we ask the person upon whom the crime has been perpetrated to assume some kind of heroic victor or 'survivor' mentality?

Don't we, often, even expect the victim to behave in a particular way we want her to behave, before we will validate her right to justice, her right to be comforted, vindicated and compensated for her losses?

In what other circumstances do we insist that injured people pick themselves up and 'soldier on' before assuring them of their human right to live free from abuse and terrorism, before we will boldly condemn the criminal and step in to prevent him from committing more criminal acts?

Why do we impose the 'Survivor, NOT a Victim!' credo upon women who struggle to live with or escape from domestic violence? Why do we insist that they adopt it as a motto when they struggle through to safety? Why do we add this burden to their load as they struggle through long-term effects of abuse, in the face of stigmatisation, prejudice and injustice?

Avoidance of Pain—How Do We Cope With Human Suffering?

It could be that people who wave the banner of 'A Survivor, NOT a Victim!' in front of deeply distressed and maltreated women, do so because such undeserved pain and predicaments are too difficult and uncomfortable for them to witness. Such suffering challenges and disputes the notion that an intelligent woman in a civilised, modern society can always control her own destiny. What a harsh jolt of reality we experience when we meet someone who has been imprisoned in her own home, battered, physically overpowered, and prevented from calling for help, by the person closest to her, whom she freely chose as a partner—someone she felt she could trust! What happens then to our own sense of security, to our belief that we are strong, independent, modern women and men?

What an unpleasant, disturbing awakening we face as we learn that the police did not always protect her; that her friends, co-workers, even family members, pretended not to notice or did not want to get involved for fear that they too would be harmed! Worse still for us, to learn that her loved ones also blamed her and told her she should stay with the abuser, maybe actually saying it was her own fault when he battered her again. It is deeply unsettling to admit that such a fate can befall someone very much like us... or someone like our mothers, our sisters and our daughters...  It is terrifying to admit that we ourselves, or at least community leaders we admire and respect, have given or approved of such bad advice and thus put someone's life at risk! When will we accept this societal guilt as our own? When will we turn it around?

At some point, many of us try to allay our fears and distance ourselves from the harsh realities of domestic violence by deciding that anyone who didn't walk away unharmed at the 'first sign' of abuse, must have a weak character, a major personality flaw. Now she just needs to stop whining about it, take responsibility for her 'poor choices', 'buck up' and 'put it all behind her'. No need to make a martyr of herself. After all, "No marriage is all sweetness and light." and "It takes two to tangle!" (Just a couple of the 'helpful' bits of advice I was offered when I tried to talk to someone about what was going on in my home.)

We are quick to look for things we don't like about the battered woman which might support our theory that she provoked him to abuse her, or that "she gave as good as she got!" In what other criminal instance would we turn a victim's anger at the perpetrator or her attempts to defend herself, into 'evidence' that she is in fact the guilty one?

My reply, looking back on all of these shameful responses, is a sincere use of another familiar phrase: "With friends like that (or indeed, counsellors, clergy, social workers, community and family members... you fill in the blank) who needs enemies?" Now, who can honestly blame any woman if she concludes, in this atmosphere of accusation and loveless scrutiny, "I just can't win, for losing!"?

Extending Compassion

Some women may come out of an abusive relationship better than others do, because they have supportive families and friends. Maybe they had a source of income, savings or property, which enabled them to carry on with their life. A woman who has been loved and nurtured by her family is more likely to believe that she deserves to be treated well, and perhaps she can demand to be treated fairly by social agencies, even when she is exhausted and wounded from her partner's assaults.

In addition, for those with young children, their children may provide companionship, love, and a reason to carry on with everyday life. With a family, household responsibilities, pets, work, and/or education to attend to, it may be easier to get through the phases of trauma and recovery and to move ahead, just allowing the momentum of all those things to carry us along. It is tough to handle everything at once, all by oneself, with no real sense of purpose or direction.

Whatever a woman's situation may be, an important first step is learning to be kind and loving toward herself. Most abused women find this extremely difficult, because of the punishment they received for daring to do so in the past, or for showing any sign of weakness, vulnerability or pain. They have coped by shutting down instead of releasing their emotions. Once they are free from their abusers at last, they are allowed to break down only briefly, if at all. They can be excused long enough to have a few ‘good crys’, a bit of sympathy and an opportunity to tell their story to someone, perhaps... and then they are meant to pretend to all the world that their battered minds, hearts, and bodies are on the mend!

It takes time and hard work to even unravel and examine the complex web of emotions and reactions that have accumulated. And for a long time, even after we leave, similar emotions and reactions continue building up as we struggle forward without all the resources we need, facing other people's comments and prejudices. We experience their attitudes as just more abuse toward us. In a way, others are abusing us for having been abused! It is such a familiar pattern, like the way our partner punished us for crying or for becoming angry and resentful, after he hit or insulted us.

Finding Real Help - Guidelines for Us All

So we really need to find our way toward self-love by receiving empathy and love from those around us. If real help does not come from a friend, then we must find it with a counsellor, a social worker, a clergy person, or a doctor. How many women turn to first one and then another, never really experiencing the relief that only true compassion can bring? Good intentions are not enough, and overextended resources are no excuse for harshness, ignorance or rude remarks from any professional. A good therapist helps the client to 'be with' her emotions and to experience them mindfully, neither prolonging them nor repressing them. A good counsellor or friend does not merely attach labels and jargon onto us or our feelings. She does not discount our pain by calling it something other than pain, or use professional language to brush our concerns aside, or invalidate our human needs.

If you are in need of care and counsel, I urge you to walk away from anyone who speaks to you in a way that makes you feel humiliated or dismissed.  You will almost certainly be unable to win them over or convince them they are wrong. Trying to do so is a waste of your precious energy.

But do keep looking until you find a real human being with an open heart and common courtesy to offer you. They do exist, but they may be in short supply. You will recognise such a person because they will treat you the way they would want to be treated if they were in your shoes.

I am learning to focus on positive things, but I deeply appreciate it when others allow me to do that in my own time and in my own way. This is how we dignify and validate a wounded soul. To walk alongside someone in their grief and pain—even just silently to witness and hear their feelings of utter hopelessness, may be the most healing thing we can possibly give them. Sometimes, we may only need to assure them they are not alone. But we must not insult them by saying those words and then walking away. We must not inflict more pain by telling them people care about them, and then demonstrating exactly the opposite. It is not wise to compromise our own needs and feelings, but neither should we diminish the importance of theirs—no matter the intensity of their pain, no matter the discomfort we feel when we witness suffering.

Believers of all major faith groups and secularists alike can agree to use the 'Golden Rule' as a guide for responding to their fellow human beings: "Treat others as you would want to be treated." This rule demands that we extend compassion to one another. To become compassionate carers, we need to educate ourselves; but education is only a first step. True compassion results from empathy—the ability to feel what others feel, which is cultivated by imagining ourselves in their place. This will take time and willingness to experience a measure of the distress they suffer, to understand their wants and needs and consider how best we may respond. We must remain attentive to changing circumstances, open to learning and communication. We must walk alongside each other in times of trouble, working together as equals.

Do you, as a friend, neighbour, relative, mentor, or support worker, have the courage to offer companionship and empathy, instead of careless words that wound the already

wounded?

May God help us to help each other.

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